Style Scenario: Santa on Christmas Eve

What are you going to wear? Or in this instance, what is HE going wear? St. Nick has a huge job ahead of him. Lots of miles to cover, lots of soot filled chimneys to get down, lots of cookie crumbs & milk spills to avoid. It’s a dirty job, but that doesn’t mean Santa can’t look sharp while doing it. Here’s what he might wear while putting another 25k-50k miles on the sleigh.

The Sweater: Spier & Mackay 100% Merino Cable Turtleneck – $108. Great for keeping the arctic blast off his neck. 100% Australian Merino wool. Looks to be sold out at post time, but they have crewnecks too if that’s more your thing. Did you know Spier and Mackay is based in Canada? That’s basically the North Pole!* Makes it easy for the big man to drop in to their show room.

The Pants: Bonobos Made in the USA Brushed 5-Pockets in Mahogany – $118 FINAL ($148). Santa’s been hitting the squat rack and pushing the sled this off season, so their athletic fit is hugely appreciated. Super soft brushed Italian stretch cotton helps too.

The Watch: Citizen Nighthawk – $188. Were you expecting a Speedmaster moon watch? With all those tight brick chimneys, this isn’t the night to go with the super luxury wrist candy. Yes, the Elves in R&D finally got around to updating the software on the sled, so he can now keep track of all the time zones and his sleigh-to-tree-to-sleigh split times with the on-board computer, but just in case they have a power failure, he favors Citizen’s aviation style Nighthawk. You never know when you’re gonna need a slide rule. It came in super handy that one year when the alternator failed over Prague.

The Belt: Stretch Woven Elastic Belt via Amazon – $10.99. Yes that’s a stretchy woven belt. Cookies, man.

The Air Freshener: Car Freshener Royal Pine – $0.77. You try sitting behind eight tiny reindeer (or nine, depending on the weather) for an entire evening. Whichever elf stuck cauliflower in Donner’s feedbag is getting engraved on the naughty list for next year.

The Coat: Custom Gore-Tex Cashmere-Lined Topcoat w/ Horween Leather Belt. One of a kind. Made by the Mrs. w/ help from Elf Q Branch.

The Base Layer: L.L. Bean Made in Canada Cotton/Wool Union Suit in Red – $69. Santa’s a classics guy, so although the new-fangled neoprene base layers may wick moisture better, he’s still going with a traditional union suit. At least it does have a layer of wool in there, so that’ll function a bit better than the super old-school all cotton long johns.

The Boots: Allen Edmonds Weatherproof Higgins Mill in Black – $345 ($445). Port Washington isn’t that far from his place, so Santa’s been frequenting Allen Edmonds for years. A basic heritage work boot, with weatherproof construction and a studded Dainite rubber sole. Perfect for Christmas Eve, with all of those slippery rooftops and what not.

The Socks: Made in the USA Woolrich Rugby Stripe Socks – $9.97 ($18). 50% merino blend with enough thickness and cushioning to keep his feet warm & comfy while circumnavigating the globe.

The Nice/Naughty List + Pen: Waterproof Field Notes – $12.95 | Fisher Space Pen – $45. The master list stays on the scrolls at the pole, but for the big night, a duplicate is transcribed to a pack of weather resistant “Expedition” Field Notes. Meanwhile, the pen works in extreme temperatures and will write from any angle. Even in zero gravity. And that’s perfect for maintaining order on the list when Blitzen gets a wild hair up his tuckus and leads the team on spontaneous inverted aerial maneuvers over the Aegean.

The Gloves: Ralph Lauren Quilted Sheepskin Gloves ‘ $65.66 ($98). Warm, but not puffy ski gloves. There’s enough dexterity with these things for the reins as well as perfect presents placement.

The Cap/Crash Helmet: Shearling Sheepskin Leather Aviator Cap – $49.99. Santa has taken some spills on rooftops over the millennia, so to stay compliant with concussion protocol, Papa Elf has recently added this to St. Nick’s kit. Sheepskin base keeps him warm, while the safety team has added aftermarket padding based on the crystalline atomic structure of marshmallow fluff. Traditional red hat attaches via magic. And velcro.

The Goggles: Mark 4 Split Lens Flight Goggles – $88. Sheepskin face cushion. Prescription progressive lenses by the Reykjavik Costco Optical Department. After market, NORAD connected, heads up display via DARPA.

*Yes, I know that Toronto is further south than Minneapolis. And Portland. And Seattle. It’s a joke eh get over it hoser.