JCPenney’s Shutdown List, A Futuristic Fabric, and Neil the Lady-Killer

SCIENCE!

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As if this dude isn’t the shit already. This is the best. One of the most famous scientists in the world won a gold medal for the University of Texas at a national Latin Ballroom competition in 1985.

LONG READ OF THE WEEK: This. Is. Fascinating. There is a plan in place for when Queen Elizabeth II dies. This is not a surprise. But the context, the history, the plans – it is worth the time. Take this, for instance:

“The King’s life is moving peacefully towards its close,” was the final notice issued by George V’s doctor, Lord Dawson, at 9.30pm on the night of 20 January 1936. Not long afterwards, Dawson injected the king with 750mg of morphine and a gram of cocaine – enough to kill him twice over – in order to ease the monarch’s suffering, and to have him expire in time for the printing presses of the Times, which rolled at midnight.

BARF: This is why we’re fat.

H.O.A.s: Where American tyrants go for training.

UGH: Anyone else beginning to wonder if we aren’t pulling a DEVO and headed into the beginnings of a downward spiral? No? Just me? Alrighty then. I will just crawl back into my elite, edumacated hole.

WILD MEN! Wilde M¤nnle vor 1914

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These men are honoring Thor. So right there, they’ve got my interest. Then there’s the get-up. Still interested. And what’s this about a ritual? Get the quick what’s-what here. You will find a German take here. Seriously. It’s German language. But this might help. I say “might” because it’s just a Google bot translation of a crowd sourced article. That is so 2017. Also, I was shocked to learn it was nothing at all like I was expecting.

THE OLD GUARD…continues to die off. 

THE NEW GUARD…reboots and upgrades when necessary.

THE OLD GUARD…still hasn’t learned a thing about optics in this day and age. Brand fail on top of a year of terrible press.

THE NFL: Somehow the whole thing just smells worse every other week or so. It seems like there are less and less capable people looking out for the best interests of the players while the owners get more and more public assistance for their stadium projects. Meanwhile, actual puking happening as a result of the third to last paragraph here. I wonder if Mr. Fine Art Appreciator owns one of these?

IT’S BOOTSY, BABY!

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THIS MIGHT BE HELPFUL…if you, like me, can never remember your blood type. It is something that my brain refuses to hang on to. A little like this, without the skin art. Also, completely irresponsible so don’t be like me. But yeah, I’ll need a whole bunch.

A REMINDER: This is never ever going to be acceptable behavior. Neither is this. And this is just a special kind of wrong. I don’t know about you, but I’m not going to be silent if I run into this kind of stuff.

LIFEHACK OF THE WEEK: This is a bigly pet peeve of mine. Yuuge pet peeve. As in bark at my laptop because I am so annoyed bigly.

SPRING HAS SPRUNG: I don’t know if you’re lucky enough to be out digging in the dirt where you live right now, but if so, congratulations. Experience tells me there might be something to this.

POOF: Another worthy long read about people disappearing on public land. Perhaps more than you think. And then, because this is just wild, this bit of legal limbo.

WHERE IS MY MIND?

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OOH LOOK: That one time when Paul Newman was just matchstick limbs and a ginormous head.

DOSSIER UPDATE: This story gets worse and worse with every new detail of what is clearly a disaster in the making. Just, wow. Editor’s Note: Ocean’s 13 anyone?

THE SAGA CONTINUES: These guys are having a hell of a year. 

CONSEQUENCES: I would say this has got to hurt but I imagine there will be a comforting parachute package to lessen the pain.

O.M.G. Heads will explode. I have to wonder how many people will be shaken by this in a way that makes them look at everything a little bit whole lot different from what they’ve always believed (hand raised sheepishly).

ONCE UPON A TIME:

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Eric H. returns with another hearty bunch of “hey, would you look at that” for this week.

RTFM: First they were all like, check out our amazing fancy high tech toilets and I was like whatevs and then they were all like but what about this tub and I’m all rub a dub dub. For the record, please do not tarnish Eric’s terrific image by thinking he wrote that. That stinker is all me.

CHARLOTTE WOULD BE SO PROUD: Once upon a time I was a wailing arachniphobe but today I have a comfortable relationship with spiders. Mostly. They are pretty crafty. And they do us all a solid where this is concerned.

CONSEQUENCES: This is what happens when you run your company the way you do. It’s that simple. But it is worth pointing out how completely disconnected they seem to be about anything outside their reality which reinforces certain stereotypes about the “coastal elites.” And that is not good brand management at the moment.

UH TIM…about that lifehack? Turns out Eric also found a hopeful fix for the terror of the web: the autoplay video. See above. And as a Mac user I would like to thank him for his having tried it out so I don’t have to. I don’t believe he is impressed. But, as the disclaimer goes, your results may vary.

HEATED SEATS: I’m going to let Eric call this one: “Some call it the Divorce Machine or This is Marriage Counseling in action, or Double the Fun. My wife just says, No.”

MORE OF THIS PLEASE:

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CLASS OF ’97: Feeling old yet?

MICROGRAVITY IS A BIATCH. I started to read this and got caught up in it and before you knew it, I was all in. It seems like this might be something of a reality check. Where are the sleep pods (every space travel movie ever)? You mean to tell me this is fake too?

MORE OF THIS: This might freak some people out. But this is a relatable reminder that we are all just people. We just want to do the stuff we like to do and go about our business. Mostly.

SERIOUSLY PEOPLE: What the actual fuck? I know. Sorry for the f-bomb but it seemed like it had it coming.

AURALISHUS: I have been told “It’s dark. It’s rude. It’s a bit older. The Darkside mix.” I will also say it is percolating the hell out of my insides. And I’m pretty sure I’m not making those noises. Also, as weird as this seems, it appears The Beatles only live album (recorded in the mid 60’s, released in ’77) only just now sounds like it was supposed to. As Eric says, AMAZING. And finally…excuse me while I melt into the gooey haze of this over the top awesomeness. 

JOE’S ABS WORKOUT:

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Pretty much. Dude is a beast. These comments will immediately be deleted and the headline edited when it gets to the editor. Perhaps a Peaky Blinder reference. Or a wrestling pun. Editor’s Note II: More like Captain Picard’s. Who knew?

WHAT’S THE BUZZ? When your entire business plan is in peril, it is smart to take action. And it seems to be an idea that really, really connected with people.

OFFERED WITHOUT COMMENT: Don’t Ok. Well, actually, it turns out it is really hard to do that about this. I’m trying to be patient and such. And by the way, while I’m starting fires, this. But I will say a little something about this: mad props for the General Lee action there. I’m thinking you had someone looking out for you.

DEJA VU: Didn’t we see something like this in a rom-com or did I make that up? Regardless, best own goal ever. Meanwhile, shouldn’t this be classified under “don’t push your luck?” I will answer that. Yes. Yes it should.

THAR SHE BLOWS! No matter what’s going on here, (and it is pretty nifty, I will admit), I’m pretty sure Rumspringa Humpback is going to be my new alter-ego.

INCOMING! This is a not-at-all-not-even-close or in the vicinity of anything remotely to do with the monochrome theme. However, this looks like it will be beyond beautiful. Once again, Eric H established his dossierables by including this in his suggestions this week as well.

Tim Johnstone is Dappered’s music correspondent as well as our resident gatherer of all things interwebs related. He doesn’t really hate people. Mostly