When the timing isn’t right…

Hi Beth:

I’ve known this girl for a couple of years now and we’ve gotten really close. Over time I’ve developed feelings for her. She’s perfect in every way, and the girl I’ve always imagined having: smart, beautiful, funny, and just really really interesting. One time we stayed at a bar till past 3am, chatting, getting to know each other better, and I’ve felt a connection with her I’ve never felt with another person before.

I’d already asked her out once, but felt a lack of particular intimacy then – like she didn’t know it was a date. So a few months later I asked her out again, and this time told her I had feelings for her…to which she replied that she feels the same way, but wasn’t ready for a relationship yet. I’ve tried to tactfully speak with some of her friends, and she’s told them the same thing about me – she wasn’t just blowing me off.

It’s been a few months now, and we still talk a lot. Ever since I asked her out I’ve noticed that our conversations have turned towards the more personal. Do I try asking her out again? Or should we just stay as friends? She’s a really private person and really hard to read, so I can’t tell if she’s into me or not.

Anonymous Jim

 

Hi Jim,

It’s hard to get a read on your situation. Why isn’t this woman ready for a relationship? Did she just break up with someone? Is she contemplating moving across the country? If you’ve known each other for years, and you both confessed your feelings several months ago…it seems like she should be ready to make a decision, and frankly, that the decision should be easy. Talking until 3am? Sharing deeply personal information? What’s she waiting for? Either I’m missing something from your email, or you’re missing something from her.

That said, if I were you, I’d give it one more shot. Tell this woman how you feel, and that you want more than a friendship. Don’t push or try to persuade her, simply lay it on the table. If she still says that the timing isn’t right, then you have a decision to make… 

1) You can try to remain friends with her. If you do this, you’ll really need to go into it without any expectation. It’s possible she’ll never be ready to be in a relationship with you, and you don’t want to be in a position where you’re hanging around, hoping she changes her mind. It’s not healthy and it’s not fair to you. So think about whether that’s possible. Can you be satisfied with only friendship? My own experience is that this type of relationship–where one person wants more and the other doesn’t–is not fulfilling nor is it sustainable. But don’t let me dissuade you if you feel strongly about trying a platonic friendship.

2) You can move on from the friendship. Tell her you can’t remain in this limbo. Again, do this in a kind manner–no accusations, simply the facts of your feelings. You want more and you understand that she can’t give it, but you also won’t be satisfied with a friendship.

I hope you get the answer you’re looking for from your friend. It does seem like there might be more going on below the surface here, but as is almost always the case, the only way to get to the bottom of it is–GULP–an honest conversation.

-Beth

About the Author: If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. She also might provide an answer without waiting to be asked. That happens from time to time too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com .