I’ve been with my girlfriend for eight months. Throughout our dating, we’ve come across a few of her past friends who we both are suspicious of having a crush on her. The encounters (all texts which she has shown me) ranged from simple greetings, to inquiring where she’s staying when visiting in town, to drunk texts such as “if dating this guy doesn’t work out, please consider me :)”.
She shows me these texts and vents about how its difficult for her to keep platonic guy friends. In return, I advise her to ignore their texts or anything that she deems inappropriate, which may show her “friends” she isn’t interested. Just for clarification, she hasn’t dated any of these guys in the past.
Recently, she has been messaging the drunk texter above about us possibly joining him and his med school friends for a ski trip, along with some of our friends. I wasn’t too hot about the idea and voiced it would make me very uncomfortable, since WE would be joining HIS trip, in whatever lodge him and his friends were staying at. Not even sure the guy knows we’re still dating. I haven’t personally met him either. She understood my point of view and agreed we wouldn’t go, but the fact she was seriously considering the trip still worries me a bit. She says she doesn’t consider him a creeper, but an actual friend.
Should I be worried?
Dear Worried Jim,
You know how there’s sometimes one friend who “complains” about a problem that actually doesn’t sound much like a problem? Among women there’s always someone who doesn’t weigh enough to donate blood, or who has to order the smallest size jeans online because they don’t stock them in the store. I assume there’s a guy equivalent–the dude who says he puts on muscle too quickly at the gym? Whose hair is too thick and full to get a comb through it (sob)? Anyway, your email sort of reminds me of this.
Not another admirer…sigh… (also, weighs enough to donate blood)
Sure, it must be difficult for your girlfriend to want platonic guy friends and not be able to have them because they’re always swooning over her. I can understand how that would be frustrating. Some people might think that was a flattering problem to have, but okay. In my experience, the people who are noisiest about such things are actually a bit insecure. They want it known they have this issue so that others will recognize that they’re thin, attractive, desirable, whatever.
I say this not to make a dig at your girlfriend. It’s a preamble to my read on your situation. I don’t think you necessarily should be worried about your girlfriend based just on what you’ve told me. If she is, in fact, insecure, and just looking for validation that she’s a hot number, that doesn’t mean she wants to cheat or will cheat. If she’s not responding to these texts or spending time alone with these men then that’s a good sign. The ski trip is probably a bad idea but maybe the fact that your other friends were going too made it seem like a fun opportunity that she didn’t want to miss out on. I mean, it’s kind of a drag that she’d have to miss an entire trip just because one of these dudes is an ass. It’s also possible that she relished the thought of you expressing jealousy and having to shield her from the flirtations of another man.
Jim’s girlfriend’s anthem?
The easy solution here is for her to cut these guys out of her life, right? Obviously if they don’t respect her enough to not hit on her when they know she’s in a relationship, why would she want a friendship with them? I also don’t understand why the other dudes who hit on her are creepers, but not the one who drunkenly texted her about being a backup in case you and she break up. It’s hard for me to see what she would get out of this friendship besides the admittedly heady trip of knowing that he finds her attractive. Whatever the case may be, it would be appropriate for her to ditch any guy “friend” who comes on to her while she’s with you.
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