My girlfriend has a sugar daddy…and it’s not me

Hi Beth,

I’m writing in regards to something that I have recently come across with the girl I have been dating for over a year now. Prior to dating her, one of her friends let it slip to me that she was involved with a sugar daddy. I honestly didn’t know that was a real thing let alone something that I would ever run into.

I confronted her about it and she denied everything even though her friend had given me all the evidence I needed as proof. I didn’t think much of it because we’ve all done things in our past and that shouldn’t stop me from dating someone as long as those things didn’t continue.

A few months ago I confronted her on it again because I found out she was still receiving gifts from, as she calls him, “her friend” (the sugar daddy) and she swore to me that she wasn’t doing anything wrong, and that I was delusional. I told her if her friend sent anything else that I was done and she needed to let him know that her boyfriend wasn’t comfortable with their “friendship.”

I’m continuing to think that she is still in communication with this guy. I’ve contemplated going through her phone to find proof of this and I’ve contemplated reaching out to her “friend” since I know his name and what he looks like and telling him to leave her alone. I’m not exactly sure what to do or if this is just a lost cause and I should end things completely.

Any advice would be great.

Brian

 

Hi Brian,

Sometimes people write in, and they’re genuinely confused about how they feel, or about how to interpret the behavior of a partner. Other times folks write in and they know. They know what they’re experiencing, and they know what they have to do. But it’s so hard (and I feel a tremendous amount of empathy, having been in one or two of these heart-wrenching relationships myself), and they just need someone to give them a little push. I’m not clairvoyant, and I don’t have any formal training in psychology, but I’m skilled at reading people, and that’s one of the things that makes me good at giving advice. So let me exercise that skill right quick. You, my friend, are in the second group of people. You know.

For those not in the know, a sugar daddy is typically an older man who lavishes gifts and money on a much younger woman in return for their…company. And probably more. You and I have no way to know what exactly your girlfriend did in order to gain the affections of this man. But even if you assume the best of her, you say you have irrefutable proof that she was in a dicey relationship with this guy…and yet she denied it being true. It’s one thing to have made some poor choices in the past, but it’s another to have made those choices and then lie about them.

I don’t know that I’d agree with your assertion that anything your girlfriend did before the two of you met is irrelevant to your relationship. People shouldn’t be made to “pay” for past choices, but I do think past behavior can be an indication of values…and shared values are really important to the success of a relationship.If your girlfriend is in contact, of any kind, with this guy, it’s wrong. If she’s accepting gifts from him? So, so, so wrong. Her telling you that you’re delusional is classic manipulation. She’s trying to make you feel like you’re some crazy, irrational boyfriend who’s paranoid about her talking to any guy. And I’d gather that that’s not true. You’re only paranoid about her talking to someone who used to give her jewelry in exchange for sex, right? I mean, who’s going to blame you for feeling nutso? You’d be delusional not to feel this way.

It seems to me like the trust here is gone. You want to go through her phone? Ok, I totally understand the impulse, but think about why you feel that way. It’s because she hasn’t proven herself to be trustworthy. Let’s say you go through her texts and find nothing. Will you really be satisfied? Or will you want to find a way to break into her email? Her FB messages? Her voicemail? I really believe that you know she’s up to no good, but it’s hard for you to admit to yourself. I think you can trust your instinct on this. Also, what good would contacting this dude do? He’s not the problem. Your girlfriend is responsible for her own behavior. What kind of relationship do you have if you have to police the behavior of everyone who might come in contact with her? I’m sorry you’re in this position. Sadly, I have to advise you to do what you already know. Break up with her.

-Beth

About the Author: If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. She also might provide an answer without waiting to be asked. That happens from time to time too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com .