Hi Beth,
My girlfriend just broke up with me, saying that we’re just too different to be together. However, up until two days ago, she seemed to have no problem telling her friends and family that she was going to marry me and one day we were going to have kids together.
Apparently, the thing that she considers to be too different between us is the fact that I don’t stay out until 4 am drinking. I’m home at a decent hour on the weekends. She likes to drink and let loose much more than I do, and she said she feels like she has to be more subdued when she’s around me.
Should I just give it up and chalk it up as a lost relationship? Or wait and see if she realizes that she made a mistake?
Cameron
Hi Cameron,
Sometimes people like the idea of something more than the actual thing in practice. In this case, your girlfriend likes the idea of marriage (someday) and children (someday) and stability and the white picket fence (someday and someday). Does she want those things now? No. She wants tequila shots and strobe lights. She’s likely confused by this dissonance between what she thinks she wants and what she really wants. And unfortunately you’re bearing the brunt of that confusion.
What she says she wants…
I speak from experience. When I was 19 I was dating someone I loved, but I was also a sophomore at a party college. I had a bunch of single friends who were really fun; I was active in extracurricular groups; I was serious about the classes I was taking. It was the most exciting time of my life. Unfortunately, the boyfriend part of that experience became a drag. I cared about him very much but I wanted my freedom more than I wanted him. It sounds like you and your girlfriend may be in a similar situation.
It’s a big bummer. And I’m sure your (ex) girlfriend is a lovely person who one day will get the partying out of her system and decide to be in bed by 10pm on Saturday. But for now, she wants to go out and be wild and she sees her relationship with you as preventing that.
…what she really wants.
It’s really tempting to want to hang around and see if your ex comes to her senses. However…I don’t recommend it. First, it’s a good way to submarine your self-esteem. You’ll never feel lower than you do waiting to see if your ex decides she wants to be with you. I mean, she’s already dumped you, and you’re waiting around to see if she changes her mind? Ugh. Been there my friend, you don’t want a piece of that. Second, why give her that power? She’s decided that the ability to stay out until bar time, guilt-free, is more important than you. Tip your hat, wish her well, and get the hell out of Dodge. Finally, staying in limbo prevents you from grieving the end of your relationship, from learning from it, and from moving on to better things. Most people who break up don’t get back together, and with good reason. Mourn the loss of your time with this woman, and know that a relationship with someone who appreciates you (and an early bedtime) is right around the corner.
-Beth
About the Author: If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. She also might provide an answer without waiting to be asked. That happens from time to time too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com .
