Making a long-distance relationship work

Ask A Woman: “Ain’t no mountain high enough…to keep me from gettin’ to you”

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Hi Beth,

I am currently in a long distance and committed relationship with a wonderful woman. I love her dearly. We met while I was overseas, and we were able to spend around 9 months together in person before engaging in our long distance situation, so there is already a solid foundation.

But the long distance does pose some problems. We are unable to engage in the usual intimacy builders that couples use to grow closer together. We Skype a lot, write letters back and forth, send gifts and things when appropriate and visit as often as possible. But I was curious if you had any suggestions as to what I can do from my end to show her I love and care for her and how we can foster intimacy despite the distance?

Jeremy

 

Hi Jeremy,

Long-distance relationships can be really difficult. Some people won’t even attempt them, citing the heartache and stress. But I think if you really feel a connection to someone, it’s well worth the trouble. Especially today, when the ways to connect with people over long distances are so much easier, cheaper, and diversified–email and Skype, not to mention faster snail mail. I’m sure all of the things you mentioned help your girlfriend feel that she is loved and desired, even from many miles away. But if you want to do more, I would encourage you to think about what you’d be doing if she were actually in the same city as you. Many of these experiences you can replicate, even from a distance.

You wear your best maroon mock turtleneck and I’ll wear a baby blue shower cap and we can serenade each other across time and space.

For instance…

• Cooking together. Pick a style of food you both love, or pick out a specific cookbook and cook the same recipes a few times a week. Which were great, which were duds? Compare notes. When you do see each other, you can continue cooking together…this time actually in the same room.
• Sharing a Google calendar. Some couples I know do this so they can keep track of when their spouse will be out of town, or when they have a dinner party scheduled. Why not do that with your GF? No, she won’t need to remember that you won’t be home for dinner on Thursdays because of softball, but she’ll have a good idea of how you spend your days and evenings, and that’s part of establishing intimacy. The mundane details, right?
• Subscribing to the same podcast. You know what was great about Serial? It was the perfect conversation stirrer. People who were listening were desperate to talk to other fans to find out what they thought. My husband and I binge-listened on a road trip and it made for really fun conversation. A quick Google search shows that Criminal, Here Be Monsters, and Welcome to Night Vale are good, addictive options while Serial is on hiatus.
• Reading the same book, following the same TV show, seeing the same movie. Same idea as above–you’ll be consuming pop culture and art that you can then chat about together.
• Pursuing a hobby. Always wanted to get into photography? What a perfect hobby to share from a distance. You can each take a class or read articles online about improving your skills, then share your efforts via email.
• Getting in shape. Trying to lose ten pounds or be able to run six miles on a regular basis without dying? Do it together. Make a running schedule that you both stick to, report in to each other about how that day’s run went. Depending on the time difference, you may actually be able to run at the same time, for instance, she in the morning and you in the evening, which is kind of cool.

Lemme just put this out there–what if you choreographed a routine to this song, recorded yourself doing it, and sent it to her? R-O-M-A-N-T-I-C.

There are many more ways to bond (hopefully this list will spark some ideas for you), but what you’ll notice from the suggestions above is that they’re based on shared experiences. This is the foundation for intimacy. You have to create memories and pursue goals and hobbies and interests together. If you were in the same city, you wouldn’t have to be as intentional about it because everyday life–eating meals, attending parties, running errands–would create it somewhat naturally. But when that’s not an option, you have to simulate it. Best of luck to you and your sweetheart, Jeremy.

-Beth

Got something brewing in your life? Send me an email’style, etiquette, relationships’I answer it all: askawoman@dappered.com