Ask A Woman: Melrose Place has nothing on this drama.
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Hello Beth,
My girlfriend and I have been dating for two years, and while we’ve had our fights and disagreements, things have always been pretty great. Recently there has been a bit more stress than usual, as I am going away for a few months (I’m graduating University, she isn’t).
Last night she went out with one of her girlfriends. Everything was fine all day, lots of cute texts, and she was texting me while she was out…but the texts stopped around midnight.
She showed up at my place at 2 a.m. completely wasted, crying and saying she wasn’t sure if she had cheated on me because she had danced with another guy (this has always been a no-go both ways) and two other guys had kissed her on the cheek (does anyone do this?). She then started barraging me with insults and passed out.
Curiosity got the better of me, and I checked her phone (she’s done this to me twice, I never have). No new phone numbers, photos, etc. But she did text her ex about a dozen times arranging (drunkenly) to get lunch with him and a friend in the near future.
Does dancing count as cheating? Should I believe someone just kissed her on the cheek and it was nothing more? Should I accept insults (too short, too old money, and lousy in bed) as drunk talk? Should I talk to her friend (her friend, allegedly, did the same and thinks she ‘might have cheated on her boyfriend’)? Should I say I don’t want her going to lunch with her ex?
Things were great, but this got more than a little weird, very fast.
– Chris
Hi Chris,
Whoa. You are correct, sir, things did get more than a little weird. You’re going to make me work hard for it this week, aren’t you? Very well.
So, my big picture impression is that your girlfriend had wayyyyy too much to drink, lost control, and felt immediate remorse. Most of us have done dumb things while drunk. Hopefully it doesn’t happen often, and hopefully we outgrow it and learn to drink in moderation (or not at all) and behave ourselves. If you’re still in college, I’m guessing your girlfriend is 21, 22 tops? Prime why-did-I-do-that-I’m-never-drinking-again years.
Was it this kind of dancing?
In my book, no, dancing usually does not count as cheating, unless it’s vertical dry humping set to house music. But that seems sort of irrelevant because the two of you decided already that dancing with other people is not allowed. Kissing on the cheek, cheating? Context is key. I have several close male friends which whom I exchange brief kisses on the cheek, but my husband is usually there, I’m not drunk, and it is nothing more than a friendly gesture. Your girlfriend was without you, very drunk, and she probably didn’t know these guys. At the very least, it’s inappropriate.
Or this kind of dancing?
Maybe it’s better not to concentrate on labels, like what counts as cheating, and to think of it instead as a betrayal of trust. You agreed that you wouldn’t dance with other people and she did. She received kisses on the cheek from strange men, and likely would not have had you been there. Cheating, not cheating, it doesn’t matter that much, because whatever she did is upsetting to you, and with good reason. All of this I can work with–sometimes people get drunk and do really dumb things. It’s not ideal, but people are fallible, so let’s give them a chance to make amends, right?
But then, as you said….it got weird. She wants to have lunch with her ex, fine, but her timing is suspect–she contacts him the same night that she’s wasted, dancing and flirting with other men? And what the hell is with the insults? Of everything you’ve told me, this is the most troubling. She insults your appearance, your background/family, and YOUR SKILLZ IN BED? No, no, NO. Uh-uh. If this is her “drunk talk” she shouldn’t be drinking.
This is NOT a good combo.
What you’re dealing with goes beyond whether she should eat lunch with her ex or whether you should grill her friend for details. You need to sit down with your girlfriend and hash all of this out. Certainly she needs to cool it on the drinking, and explain herself in regards to contacting her ex and being mean to you. Then you decide how you feel about all of this and take it from there. Do you want to rebuild trust or do you want to cut your losses? There isn’t a right answer, there’s just the answer that works best for you. Good luck.
-Beth
Got something brewing in your life? Send me an email–style, etiquette, relationships–I answer it all: askawoman@dappered.com