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If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. She also might provide an answer without waiting to be asked. That happens from time to time too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com .
Hi Beth,
I just turned 44 a few days ago, and have worked hard over the last year to lose 40 pounds. Along with remaking my body, I decided that I was tired of being clean shaven, and started to wear a little bit of facial hair. Think Orlando Bloom in the Pirates of the Caribbean
I’m currently single and ready to date, but I’m not sure if facial hair will be a turn off? Especially something that’s a bit more purposeful & groomed like this, instead of just scruff?
I’ve been told I actually look OLDER without a beard. But maybe that’s because I’ve gone to the trouble of coloring my facial hair, since my beard has started to come in gray. Yet the hair on the top of my head has stayed youthful looking.
Is this going to be a deal breaker for any potential dates?
– Henry
Hi Henry,
Congrats on losing weight and remaking your look. Way to take a bit of a risk with the facial hair–nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? Facial hair is not an automatic turn off, not at all. Women like it, or they don’t, but there’s no rule for all women everywhere. We’re a varied bunch. Most women would say they like facial hair when it looks good. Real helpful, right?
Facial hair is like man-cardigans, bow ties, and suspenders–they flatter and look at home on some people, and on others, not so much. And yes, there are instances when men look better with facial hair. If you have a weak chin, or a bit of flab around the jawline, facial hair can mask it, or give your face the appearance of stronger structure. And some faces just look better with hair. I’ve always thought Javier Bardem looked much handsomer with facial hair than without it.
There…on the horizon…I spy a well-groomed mustache.
On the other hand, facial hair can make you look less attractive if it grows in patchy and uneven. It can make you look unkempt if it’s not meticulously groomed. And for some men, it just doesn’t look great with their bone structure, or it hides their good features. Casey Affleck, for instance, has a beard that grows in too patchy; it makes him look kind of skeevy. Brad Pitt is also not best served with facial hair mainly because, if you’ve got that face, why hide it under hair?
Then there are the bastards who look good, facial hair or not, and can go from swarthy to clean-shaven back to hirsute, and collect a barrage of compliments along the way. George Clooney. That man. Full grey beard, little bit o’ scruff, smooth as a baby’s bottom. He looks good every which way.
THAT, however, is a hot patchy mess of a beard.
Because you and I have never had the pleasure of meeting, I can’t tell you which camp you fall into, but it sounds like you’ve gotten feedback (from more than one person? On separate occasions?) that you look great with facial hair. Sounds promising. Keep it for awhile and see what it does for your dating life. The good thing about hair is you can always shave it off, and then grow it back again. Don’t worry that being purposeful with your grooming is a bad thing, it’s not. Yes, sometimes casual scruff is sexy (George!)…but sometimes it’s reminiscent of Ethan Hawke, circa 1994. I mean, Reality Bites is a classic, but that anemic tufting has to go.
-Beth
Got something brewing in your life? Send me an email–style, etiquette, relationships–I answer it all: askawoman@dappered.com
Facial hair of any sort has a higher degree of difficulty. The “Orlando Bloom” is at least an 8 on the DoD chart, so I would make sure you get opinions from those who you trust to be honest. Also think about what kind of women you are interested in. To Beth’s point, women’s opinions vary, but there is some statistical grouping that are more (or less) likely to support your brand of facial hair. Consider the mullet. Opinions are not uniform, but there are some type of women that are more likely to like the mullet.
James Bond never had a beard except in the film Die Another Day when he is kidnapped at the beginning of the movie. Unless I get kidnapped Ill stick to clean shaven.
Your day-to-day style and profession will also play a role in how a bread/scruff will be perceived. A ZZ Top beard might be cool if you play in a band or work a tattoo parlor. But working at law firm…not so much.
I’m trying not to be offended by your term “man–cardigan”. The garment was based off of men’s waistcoats, and was only recently adopted by women.
It’s facial hair, not some fatal character flaw. If a woman bases her interest on something as trivial as your facial hair… you probably don’t want her to begin with. Have the facial hair that makes you feel most comfortable. NEVER base your facial hair style on the potential to attract anyone else.
Come on… we all know that first impressions have a big say in dating/attraction. If you like your facial hair, great, but worth at least recognizing that it might be a deal breaker for some women (even in just meeting them).
Personally I’ve been going with the scruff look lately. Seems to work for me, and I like it. Not saying you shouldn’t go with what you like, but its naive to pretend that a woman’s initial interest may not be impacted by your appearance.
Craig has a good amount of scruff going for about a third of Sky Fall.
I say go for it. I’m growing a full beard and it’s getting a lot of compliments, much better than a goatee or some weird facial hair sculpture.
You’re not going to please ALL of the people ALL of the time, only SOME of the people SOME of the time. If you like it, rock it with confidence. Confidence is all you really need to pull off a look with aplomb.
I have to admit that the word “purposeful” in the title set me up for disappointment. I thought someone had a question for Beth about tying a long beard up over the top of his head to keep his ears warm, or waxing a handlebar mustache to create a parrot perch, or something similar. Great discussion nonetheless! As someone with embarrassingly patchy facial hair, I say go for it and let me live vicariously through you!
I can’t recommend the Orlando Bloom type goatee. To build on Beth’s comparison, things like suspenders or bow ties are fun as stunts for a 1920’s party or a hipster wedding, but if you’re wearing them all the time you become “bow tie guy” or “fedora guy” or whatever. Do you want to be “pirate ‘stache guy?” Personally I wouldn’t.
Those are spectacular goals for the whisker cultivators among us.
When did I suggest it wouldn’t impact a woman’s attraction? I’m sure it does. My point is – within reason – that you shouldn’t care.
I grew up going to the salon with my mother. I guarantee you: when a woman cuts her bangs, dyes her hair, perms her hair, straightens her hair, she isn’t doing it with attracting men on her mind. Nor should she. She wants to feel confident and beautiful for HERSELF.
Take this advice with whatever sized grain of salt you think appropriate, but I’m going to phrase it as emphatically as I feel it: Don’t dye your goddamned facial hair.
James Bond also drinks shaken vodka martinis.
What type of pleasing-percentage would you say is a reasonable goal? Something along the lines of 60% of the time, every time?
That’s a good question and I think the answer is a personal one. When dealing with the opposite sex, you probably want to please as many women as possible all of the time so that YOU can then choose which to woo. Other than that, I’d say it is up to you. Why do you really care what some stranger thinks about your outfit?
Going to have to echo the rest out here. Facial hair is great if it suits you. Stubble or trimmed beard, especially (full grown beard is a little tougher, unless you happen to be Sikh). Goatees? Nah. Even good-looking famous people look better with a trimmed beard than with a goatee (see Colin Kaepernick)
But the Orlando Bloom seems really hard to pull off if you’re not a famous actor starring in a Hollywood blockbuster. I’d personally stray from it for now, especially if jumping in the dating pool.
Alright, get off the internet and watch Anchorman, right ****ing now….. NOW. GO.
WOOOOOOOOOSH!!!!!
The point of the question/response was specifically around the impact it might have on others. “Is this going to be a deal breaker for any potential dates?” So while its great to say do it for yourself, don’t care what others think; this guy already does care what others think and is interested on the impact his facial hair might have on his ability to draw the interest of others. To respond to his question with “you shouldn’t care about that” does not really address the issue. Given the way dating works, initial appearance and attraction do matter a great deal. It may suck, but its the way the world works. Yes, his facial hair MAY be a dealbreaker to some just as lack thereof may be a dealbreaker to others. All about guessing what opinion is in the majority.
Oh goodness, someone didn’t get your pop culture reference, let’s shame them. Perhaps you should turn off the tv & have a meaningful experience outside? Now? Go? Merely a suggestion. I have no desire to issue commands over the internet.
Could not agree more. You’ve earned that grey. Do not let our youth obsessed culture persuade you otherwise.
What the heck is happening today… First a very over-used reference gets missed and then someone goes Grumpy Guss over a little joke? Wait, did I take a wrong turn somewhere? Is this not the Dappered comment area? …OH GOD, IS THIS 4CHAN??
When I was a much younger man, I had a debilitating crush on a girl in my school. Bonnie. Ah…Bonnie. One day, during phys-ed, I was asked to demonstrate AR (mouth-to-mouth),
and to my surprise and delight, Bonnie volunteered to be my “victim”. I was to place my mouth on hers, and in my mind, she had no choice but to fall uncontrollably in love with me.
It turned out differently. As I carried out my assigned task, I came to learn that Bonnie sported a mustache, which she had carefully dyed blond to make it almost invisible from more than a couple feet away. But up close, it was Richard Pryor-esque. For me, it was a deal-breaker. But then, I was a much younger “man” then.
I can’t stress the goatee point enough; goatees almost always end up looking poor. I understand that some people may gravitate to them because of irregularities in the rest of their beard, but it’s just not a good substitute. This appears to be a relatively universal opinion I’ve heard expressed by almost every girl I’ve discussed facial hair with and the internet’s stylistically aware communities.
Looks like you picked the wrong day to quit sniffing glue.
Ok
Jeff Bridges looks really good in a goatee, but he’s something of an exception. Sam Elliott too…also John Goodman. Which points to a good rule of thumb here: if you were in The Big Lebowski, you probably look good in a goatee, but if not, you’re taking a risk.
And looks like James Bond.
|But then, I was a much younger “man” then.
Apparently, so was Bonnie.
And that’s a wrap. Standing ovation for Invictus.
“Yes, his facial hair MAY be a dealbreaker to some just as lack thereof may be a dealbreaker to others.”
This goes back to Loscv29’s original comment about doing what makes you feel most comfortable. If you are constantly worried about whether this, that or the other is a potential deal breaker you are going to be uncomfortable all the time and being uncomfortable all the time is definitely going to be a deal breaker.
I think projecting that he’s “constantly worried” onto the fella is unfair.
I mean, asking a question, or considering how others might see you depending on how you present yourself to them doesn’t turn you into spineless bag of crap.
It’s real easy to puff your chest out and say “DRESS ONLY FOR YOURSELF!” and “BE A MAN” and all that stuff (and I’m not saying you’re doing that Rt1583). But that in and of itself seems like a front.
It’s like constantly calling yourself a gentleman. Can anyone who loves to say “I am a gentleman” really be one?
haven’t been clean shaven since i graduated high school 10 years ago. my wife doesn’t want me to shave it, and most people seem to dig it. playoff beard, short trim – i try to mix it up.
problem is, I am now afraid of what lies beneath….
*after reading some other responses – your profession should matter in no way if you are good at what you do. not even a valid argument.
Maybe I had a tone issue in my original post.
My point is, I view facial hair styles – within reason – as infinitely trivial. If my friend were to ask me before going out to a bar, “Do you think my mustache will make it easier or harder for me to get women?”, my reply would be “don’t worry about that. You cant please everyone”. If my sister or a girl friend asks me, “Do you think my bangs will make it easier or harder for me to pick up guys?” my reply would be exactly the same. If someone is put off by something as trivial as facial hair, is that someone worth pursuing? There are far more important things when it comes to attraction.
When was the last time any of us heard a friend say, “I WAS gonna talk to her… but I don’t like how she pinned her bangs back.”??
Ironically, dressing a certain way or performing general grooming actions in a certain way based solely on the worry of whether or not it’s going to impress a potential significant other is just as much of a front.
Going back to the original letter, if you (or the LW) purposely grow facial hair (or grow it in a certain way) just on the off chance that it might increase your chances of a hookup but otherwise don’t like to have facial hair (or like to grow it another way) what kind of front are you putting up?
Dressing for yourself can be broad spectrum (and doesn’t have to be a chest thumping idea). As has been pointed out on this site many times, a man who is most comfortable in cargo shorts, t-shirt and flip flops can still step up his game and look great well within his comfort zone, i.e. there is no reason to put on a false front just to try to impress someone else.
I’m with you on the gentleman thing. A man can do everything he can to act as and be a gentleman but it is strictly within the purview of others to deem him to be a gentleman.
Again, to me, to say he’s doing it “solely on the worry…” isn’t fair to the guy writing the letter. It feels like something is being projected onto him, which just ain’t so.
I don’t think we disagree on the whole of the topic.