Ask A Woman: “Will you still love me tomorrow?” Or at least talk to me?
If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. She also might provide an answer without waiting to be asked. That happens from time to time too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com .
Hi Beth,
At a recent wedding I came in contact with a very attractive female and had a great time with her. She was the one to pursue me during the evening. We were inseparable the rest of the night and ended up sleeping together. The next day, while still in bed, she went as far as to say that she was hooked the first time she set eyes on me, said she had never “dated” someone like me before, and inquired as to what sort of social media I was on.
She had said that she had no plans for the rest of the day, so later on I texted her to see if she wanted to grab a quick drink. She said she was exhausted and had to get ready for work the next day. I gave it two days and called her. No answer. Sent her a text the next day asking her out to dinner. She declined and said she already had dinner plans. I tell her that the following week, I’m pretty free, and to let me know.
And… nothing.
What the heck happened? From all those things she said, she seemed to be very interested and quite the pursuer, and now, it’s the opposite?
– Andy
Hi Andy,
What the heck happened, indeed. Ummm…yeah, that’s difficult to decipher.
If she’d said all that stuff the evening before and then slipped out in the morning, I would have said she was experiencing some superficial enthusiasm, brought on by the previous night’s tippling. We’ve all been there, whether romantically (“You’re the most beautiful woman/man in the world”) or when meeting our new best friend (“Friend me on FB; I’m totally serious about going to Vegas this fall”). Gin and tonics are a powerful drug, my friends.
But this woman said all that stuff the morning after? While presumably sober?
Here’s my best guess: she went home and got some sleep. Or talked to her roommate. (Or remembered she had a boyfriend?) And boom, guilt. “I can’t believe I slept with a stranger” set in. All the slut shaming she’s absorbed over the years is rising to the surface and she feels badly. Easiest way to escape it is to steer clear of the person she fornicated with.
Is Andy’s one night stand experiencing Jackie-like regret?
So that’s one possibility. Although it doesn’t really fit with the confident person you’re describing. Someone who pursues you all night, beds you, and nearly crows in the morning with pride at having hooked you. The other alternative is that she’s someone who plays the manipulation game. She likes to chase men, sleep with them, mess with them, and then turn cold out of the blue. She’s getting some kind of thrill out of knowing you’re confused. It’s unfortunate, but there are people who operate in this manner.
For your own sanity, shoot her a text and say, hey, I was hoping we could hang out and get to know each other, but it seems like you’re not interested? Just let me know and I’ll stop bugging you. Be friendly and casual. If you don’t hear back, assume she’s not interested. If she writes back and confirms this fact, wish her the best and leave it be. If she writes back suddenly interested and available, proceed with caution. Make sure you’re not playing into another manipulation. Good luck.
-Beth
Got something brewing in your life? Send me an email–style, etiquette, relationships–I answer it all:askawoman@dappered.com
Well…uhm
1. she might be just not that into you.
She feels bad, not “badly.”
…just run away. It’s hard to move on sometimes, but women shut-down like that thinking “he will get the hint.”
This is just another article that shows mens really need a woman to use WORDS, not the ambiguous cold shoulder, to expressa disinterest.
But to Beth’s over-arching point: it’s not you man, it’s her. Whatever her problem is, it’s internal and isolated to her. So move onto the next one, you can do better than that closet-case.
Andy, that sucks. Any lady would be lucky to have you. You can do better than a woman who doesn’t communicate like an adult. Go out there and get ’em, tiger!
http://youtu.be/EAJo9pAXqfg
Take sex out of the equation and would you still want to know this woman? the answer points to no.
It’s not like starting a conversation about why you’re not interested routinely leads to a dude arguing, badgering, whatever, as if it’s possible to logically refute someone’s disinterest.
She’s not that into you. People flirt and then it leads to nothing.
When the shoe is on the other foot (e.g., you meet a girl, you flirt, but then you realize she’s a no… but she is asking/texting you things), remember this moment and don’t leave her hanging. Pay it forward in a polite and gentle way.
Haha some guys out there will argue the point. Frankly, when breaking up, the person being dumped prolly really doesn’t want to know why. They may think they do, but once told the reason, some will try to argue, others will try to change, and still others will not believe the reason. It’s best to just know that the person doesn’t want to see you anymore, not focus on the reason why, and move on. It’s clearly not a good fit. It’s not necessarily anyone’s fault, it just didn’t come together right.
“What the heck happened” is a reasonable and perhaps the most vexing question. However, the most relevant question should be, “what do I do now?” I would suggest you begin the pursuit of other women.
There is absolutely nothing you can do to reel this woman back beyond your previous efforts. Unless your mystery lady contacts you with a monumental excuse, this is a closed chapter.
Let it go Andy! I know that can be hard especially if there was an intense connection, but there is always a “bigger better deal” out there.
“I came in contact with a very attractive female…”
Anyone else taken aback by this intro? I thought I was about to step into some bad softcore sci-fi porn.
“At a recent wedding I came in contact with a very attractive female…”
Um, a female of the species Homo sapiens? Did you refer to her during the evening as simply a gender, instead of a human being? Are you Ferengi?
Close Encounters of the Third Base.
(http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0075860/)
“Excuse me sir, after this past night of intimate relations, I must inquire, which social media outlets are you on?” Hahaha. That’s how I read this as going down.
Maybe she checked up on you and decided not to do it.
“This is just another article that shows mens really need a woman to use WORDS, not the ambiguous cold shoulder, to expressa disinterest.”
I disagree with this sentiment, both in general, and as it applies to this situation. First of all, I don’t think any given woman owes any given man an explanation for not reciprocating the man’s interest. If you express interest in a woman and she ignores you, that’s a pretty unambiguous response.
In this case specifically, maybe if they’d been dating for a few weeks or months and she suddenly stopped returning his calls, she might owe him an explanation. Instead they had one casual hook-up, never saw each other again, and she has brushed off all his subsequent attempts at communication. There is no ambiguity here. She is obviously not interested.
Clearly, she was either looking for a no-strings hookup and got it, or she hooked up, considered pursuing something further, and ultimately decided against it. Why she did what she did seems fairly irrelevant at this point – the “relationship” is not going anywhere.
…..thanks for reiterating discussions that have already been had. You really contributed something unique.
As said before, she doesn’t owe an explanation, but she does need to just say “I’m not interested.” That’s unequivocal and gets the point across. That’s the least she could do after setting him up to expect more from the future.
As a single guy in Chicago, something along these lines happens to me about once every two months. I don’t even question it anymore. The opposite also happens, i.e. a woman who I thought was not interested actually does want to go on a second date.
It never hurts to ask, and you don’t know what they’re thinking until you do! But yes, at this point, move on.
Oh man… I got dissed on the internet for not “contributing something unique.” I guess there’s nothing left to do but drown my sorrows in ice cream and boxed wine.
Was her name Nora by any chance? She’s a heart-breaker that one…
Hmm… he enjoyed a night of sex with “a very attractive female.” Still seems like a W to me, not an L.
😉
I’ve got to agree with Jeff here, not Ben. The point wasn’t that any explanation is owed. The point was that after setting so many expectations, a quick text of “I had a nice night with you, but I’m not interested in anything else” is way more polite than going Ghost Protocol. Most women tell me they would prefer to know rather than wait 2-3 days hopeful that they’ll get a message or a call. I think men generally feel the same.
Aside from being misogynistic and patriarchal and objectifying as fuck, this video seems okay. (So, not really.)