Ask A Woman: Boo hoo, my girlfriend doesn’t cry.
If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. She also might provide an answer without waiting to be asked. That happens from time to time too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com .
Hey Beth,
I have a question. My girlfriend never cries and never gets angry. Granted, I have never done anything to make her cry (or want her to cry), but after four months I feel a little strange I have never seen that side of her. Like not even after seeing Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. I have never even seen her frown. Again, I never want to, but I feel like by now I should have.
We never fight and it worries me that maybe she feels she can’t open up to me or voice her opinions. I try to be a good boyfriend and we have a great sex life. I have never been crude to her or disrespected her. So I guess what I’m asking is… am I over thinking this? Should I just shut up and thank my lucky stars for having an amazing woman in my life, or do you think there’s really something wrong? And if so, what can I do? Thanks in advance.
– Matt
Hi Matt,
Interesting scenario. I know what you’re saying–lots of dudes wish their girlfriends were less emotional, and lots of couples wish they argued less often. You’ve got an ideal situation, and yet…something doesn’t seem quite right. The easy answer is don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. In other words, knock it off and be happy with what you have.
It’s absolutely possible that she’s not a crier, and that she always operates on an even keel. Some people just aren’t easily ruffled (I don’t know any of these people, but I’ve heard rumor that they exist). Another possibility is that in the four months you’ve been together, her life has been abnormally uneventful. Four months is usually enough time to see every side of a person, but not necessarily. If her work has been stable, and no one has died, and the two of you are simpatico, then sure, what’s there to cry or yell about? I haven’t seen Seeking a Friend for the End of the World, so I’m having trouble drumming up outrage that she didn’t cry during it, but some people just don’t cry over movies. Have you yourself shown anger or cried in front of her? If not, maybe it’s not so crazy that she hasn’t either.
Is it possible she’s a female Bruce Banner with the Hulk hiding inside?
That said, intuition is a valuable resource in relationships, IF you’re not a highly anxious person who tends to look for catastrophe. When something feels off, when you can’t quite put your finger on it, I think there’s usually some truth to whatever you suspect. It would take a lot of self control but yes, it’s possible that she hides “negative” emotions like sadness, anger, or fear, because she doesn’t feel comfortable expressing them in front of you, or she fears that you’ll react badly to seeing them.
So why not ask her? Open up a conversation about it. You can even use that movie as an in–“I was thinking today about how I’ve never seen you cry, not even when we’ve watched sad movies. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you angry, either. I would hate to think you were censoring yourself in front of me.” If she admits to being dishonest about her feelings, reassure her that you’re okay with seeing that side of her. If she says all is well, then believe that she’s telling the truth (and high five for finding a laid-back lady).
-Beth
Got something brewing in your life? Send me an email–style, etiquette, relationships–I answer it all:askawoman@dappered.com
She sounds like a keeper!
Pure psychological speculation, but it sounds as if something deep is behind that. Four months may not be enough of a relationship duration for it to be solid enough to dig that deep.
Also, have you met the parents yet? Something in that relationship may also help shed some light (e.g., unemotional parents that taught their kids emotions should be buried deep down or overly emotional parents that are super flaky, etc.)
Here’s my theory: She’s on that medication where she only gets her period once a year. She had her last one right before you guys started dating. Now she’s a ticking time bomb counting down to your one year anniversary.
Just a joke…in case it needs to be said 😛
It’s only been 4 months, man. Keep enjoying the great sex.
Why are you even worrying about that?!?!?!
Try watching the first ten minutes of UP by Pixar..
I wouldn’t worry too much about it yet. But she may not be a sentimental person.
There’s a lot of good in that because you probably won’t have a lot of drama, but it can be difficult to know where you stand or if she really likes (loves) you. The question is would you be OK with someone who just doesn’t have deep emotions. Loving an Estella (Great Expectations) aint easy.
Well this seems a bit paranoid if you ask me… If you haven’t done anything to make her angry/cry, and nothing else terrible has happened in her life that you’d expect her to get angry at or cry over, then enjoy this time where you seem to have a great relationship without any drama. Don’t look for drama, it’ll likely come over something eventually.
If it winds up being a seriously long time and you’ve gone through patches where you’d expect pretty much anyone to get angry or cry, maybe start to wonder a bit more.
“Happy Anniversary, asshole!”
Check out this documentary about girls who don’t cry and are good at sex…
http://youtu.be/3C8Slzx-Gpc
If you don’t at least feel freaking depressed after that, you are a soulless hellspawn.
Meh. Different people deal with stress, and display their reactions to stress, in different ways. Some of that is learned behavior. Some of it is just down to the individual and their personality. Maybe she HAS cried in the past four months, but she just prefers to deal with her emotional struggles on her own terms rather than confiding them to others. Maybe she has a friend, relative, or confidant who she is more comfortable confiding her emotional problems to. (The fact that you are in a romantic relationship does not mean you both have to be each other’s be-all, end-all for every social and emotional need.) Maybe she has a different outlet to deal with her emotions and she just doesn’t feel the need to cry when she’s upset. Maybe she’s just not a particularly emotional person to begin with.
Since there doesn’t seem to be any other problem with her or with your relationship, it seems like you are just freaking out over the fact that she’s not embodying a particular stereotype of women as overemotional crybabies.
She’s a robot in disguise.
I’m failing to see the problem here…
Start working at home with Google! It’s by-far the>>CLICK NEXT TAB FOR MORE INFO AND HELP
Or the last Ten of Wall-E.
Either way, problem solved.
The end of Toy Story is a good one too.
I just watched that movie “Under the Skin” with ScarJo, I mean she was more of a one-night stand woman but still, be careful…
But in all seriousness, four months of a monogamous relationship between adults is more than enough time to see the other person emote. The headline here is about not crying but the more important issue is not getting angry or upset. Even if it was over someone cutting her off or having a bad day at work, if she’s not showing that sort of emotion, you probably want to have that discussion. Doesn’t mean something is wrong with her, she just may not be a person who communicates her feelings well.