Ask A Woman: “Pretty woman, walking down the street…”
If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. She also might provide an answer without waiting to be asked. That happens from time to time too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com .
All men check out women. All men. Men in committed relationships. Men in happy relationships. Old men. Gay men. Young men. All men everywhere. I should maybe make this all people, because come to think of it, all women check out women, too. Everyone everywhere is watching women walk by and making assessments while I’d wager that most men (good-looking, well-dressed men) walk by and it hardly registers for a lot of people. So that’s either good news for those of you who are shy, or bad news for those who want some attention. Anyway, believe it or not, there is an art to checking out women (since we know you do it!) and here it is demystified, depending on your relationship status.
If you’re newly dating someone…
…you want to be as subtle as possible. A new relationship is a fragile thing. Both people are unsure of exactly where they stand. The rules or expectations that existed in previous relationships have to be renegotiated in the new one. You haven’t established trust yet. Thus you want to be very careful about looking at other women when you’re with your lady. In an ideal world, you wouldn’t do it at all, but that’s not realistic. If an unknown woman is walking towards you, don’t give her the up and down. Just a glance and then you’re done. If you think someone interesting is coming at you from the side, watch out of the corner of your eye, but no head turning. And for God’s sake, don’t ever turn around and follow a strange woman with your eyes. Also…no mouth gaping. Don’t nobody wanna see you catching flies.
“Close your mouth, Michael, we are not a codfish.”
If you’re in a solid, long-term relationship…
…you actually have more leeway than your friends in the previous category. Seems counter-intuitive, right? But if you’ve been with your mate for a long time, you’re both probably secure and trusting of each other. You recognize that it takes more than a glance at a good-looking person to topple your happiness. Also, most people will acknowledge, however grudgingly, that after several years or more of coupledom, it’s unrealistic to expect each partner not to admire or fantasize about someone outside the relationship. As long as it stays in your head, what’s the harm? But you still want to be respectful when you’re with your other half and you see a Big Bottom gal go by. Take a look or two, but again, subtlety is key. Pretend you’re looking around the restaurant, not trying to see just how tight that top is.
If you’re single and merely admiring…
Take a gander. G’ahead, take more than a few peeks. You don’t have a lady whose feelings you need to look out for, so feel free to admire. Avoid ogling, however. You know, wide-eyed, a little drool leaking from your mouth, stopped mid-sentence talking to your buddies–that’s just going to make the woman you’re looking at feel uncomfortable. Five, six, seven glances in her direction are fine, but no sustained staring. It borders on rude, and it’s too intense.
If you’re single and serious…
Maybe you’ve been to this establishment before and you’ve seen this woman multiple times. Maybe you just have a feeling about her and you want to throw caution to the wind and approach her. Good for you! This requires a finesse game (which, incidentally, neither Duke nor Villanova had during March Madness–which totally screwed my bracket, thanks a lot guys). You want to make the glance in her direction an attempt at connecting with her in a friendly, non-creeper way. Try to catch her eye, give a small smile (avoid the big, over-eager, toothy grin), then look away. Five or ten minutes later, try it again. If you notice her returning the glance first, or if she gives you a smile back, these are both good indicators that she could be interested. Approach her in a friendly, restrained way, and strike up a conversation. Good luck!
Got a question for Beth? Send it to: askawoman@dappered.com
Or if you’re really fortunate, drop a sotto voce “redhead, two o’clock” to your wife and watch her nod her head slightly in confirmation.
This is abject nonsense. There’s one way and one way ONLY to check out women.
http://i.imgur.com/rTMg6.gif
True. My wife checks out women at least as much as I do.
BTW, the video is hiiiilarious. Don’t want the massive ‘preview’ thing, so just copy, paste and remove the “1” I put in front of the link –> 1http://youtu.be/tLPZmPaHme0
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/webroot/animatedgifs2/1502403_o.gif
When it’s not okay to check out women:
1. You aren’t or wouldn’t be totally okay with other people, including other men, checking you out.
2. You aren’t or wouldn’t be totally okay with your crush, girlfriend, SO, or spouse checking out other men.
I’m all for equal opportunity objectification. Unfortunately, a lot of guys – mostly straight guys – think it’s their right and biological imperative to look at other women, but get pissed or uncomfortable when another guy looks at them the same way or “their” woman looks at other guys. At that point, the issue becomes a lot more problematic than one person innocently enjoying another person’s physical beauty. Remember the golden rule… don’t do unto others what makes you feel gross or squicky when it’s done unto you.
“As long as it stays in your head, what’s the harm?” Sorry, Beth, but I disagree with this one. There are degrees of fantasizing which ARE harmful to a committed LTR.
“Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habit. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.” – Lao Tzu
Sure, not every time, but there is a STRONG correlation between, shall we say, “overzealous” fantasizing and cheating. But I’m sure that’s not true of anyone here…
“As long as it stays in your head, what’s the harm?” Beth, why do you treat relationships as mutually monogamous? What’s the harm of your fantasy spilling out into your life when you are in a mutually non-monogamous relationship? This never seems to get brought up in your posts.
Perhaps a better restatement would be “don’t do unto others what they don’t want done unto them” – there are a lot of things that would make me feel gross if it was done to me that other people seem to enjoy.
Those are pretty rare, at least from what I’ve seen. Also, she does say “committed relationships” so she does stipulate in a way that it’s monogamous (at least that’s why most people will infer from that). If you’re in an open relationship, then I imagine it’d look something like Oberyn Martell and Ellaria Sand in Game of Thrones.
You’re right – I’ll grant that “committed relationships” is sufficient to cover my complaint.
I’m also not on board with it being okay to fantasize about others when you’re in a committed relationship.
I imagine if you are in a functioning open relationship there is very little advice Beth or most of us could give you as far as where to set the boundaries.
I have no problem with men checking me out. Something is better than nothing.
I find people interesting and often amusing, so I will look when someone passes by regardless of gender. However, I can’t think of many occasions where I actually checked a woman out. I appreciate an attractive woman as much as the next straight male, but if I glance for more than an instant it’s probably because of what they’re doing, not what they’re wearing or “what their momma’ gave ’em”…
Life changed for the better. Nicki Minaj fits in perfectly with this irreverent bunch.
This is why I love you.
Wait, this is why??! Oh thank god – now I can stop dressing so slutty.
So when you say big, over-eager, toothy grin, I presume you mean this?
Any guidelines on “how to check out” guys when admiring their attire (like when I wait for a train)?