“I got tons of compliments”
Mission accomplished, right?
Not necessarily.
That’s not to say that a compliment on how you look is a bad thing. Far from it. But the weight that is given to compliments directed at someone’s shoes, blazer, or briefcase is inflated.
1. Just because no one paid you a compliment doesn’t mean you don’t look great.
Don’t keep score. Putting too much weight in compliments could lead some to think that if he never hears them, he’s not measuring up. And that’s garbage. Vincent van Gogh was all but dead before his talent started to get large scale recognition. (That is the first and last time getting dressed will be compared to one of the great masters, but the point stands.) Looking for recognition is a sign that you’re not truly there yet. Just like the guy/gal who’s always in a relationship because they can’t stand being alone is proof that they’re not quite ready to be in a solid relationship.
2. Sneaky Subtle Style > Unavoidable Style
A compliment every once in awhile is a great ego boost. But if you’re hearing someone say “nice shoes!” or “love how you mixed the patterns on your tie and shirt!” or “great watch!” every. damn. day… then that might not be so good. You risk being known as the guy who can’t leave the house without looking like he’s going to a photo shoot for Dandy-of-the-Month. So what’s wrong with that? If someone you know is describing you to someone you don’t, do you really want the first thing they say to be “he’s so well dressed” ? Wouldn’t you want it to be something better? Meatheads would take this as someone questioning their sexual orientation, but that’s not what’s being argued here. Instead, it’s about doing justice to the content of your character, not the contents of your closet.
The Bottom line: The Style as Music Theory
Style should be like music at a party. Too quiet and it’s not assisting the atmosphere in the way great music can. Too loud and no matter how good the food, how interesting the people in attendance, or how awesome the reason for the get together, the music overwhelms. It’s a balancing act. Someone might say “hey, I love this band” during the party. But not everyone is going to feel the need to make mention of the music if it’s at the right volume.
Your turn guys. Are compliments too easy to overvalue? Leave it all in the comments below.
Top Photo Credit: Mike Fisher, Bottom Photo Credit: Boston Public Library.
wow joe i get compliments on my fedora all the time, it must be making me look like a classy gent
Great post. I figure that if you dress to fish for compliments, that’s probably all you’ll be known for.
People tend to compliment things that are out of the ordinary, not because it looks nice but because you are calling attention to what you are wearing.
I had this conversation with someone the other day with regards to a briefcase for job interviews. She said “so and so said they got a lot of compliments”, to which I responded, “the last thing I want in an interview is to talk about my briefcase”. I’m a big fan of the sneaky subtle style.
I think there’s a new store greeter schtick afoot: compliments. On the past few trips to the mall with the GF, almost every store we visited had a greeter compliment one of us on something we were wearing.
That’s not to say we don’t look nice (of course she does!), but it seems to be a theme currently.
I think the right balance is sporadic compliments from people who see you regularly. I have a lot of people compliment me at random when I travel, and I don’t take that as a bad sign. Particularly because 70% plus are complimenting a pocket square, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to re-think my pocket square approach…
Same thing happened with me and my girlfriend. She said something about a study being done showing that people who received compliments were more likely to buy something.
Pretty much nailed it, Joe. Although if you, like I do, live in a place outside a major urban city center, simply throwing on a blazer and well-fitting trousers leaves you looking like a dandy compared to those in pleated khakis, Ed Hardy, or Wranglers. When you wear a tie, hell, that’s really dressing to impress. The result is subtle style getting treated like high fashion, which leads to way more compliments than when I lived in NYC.
Pretty much nailed it, Joe. Although if you, like I do, live in a place outside a major urban city center, simply throwing on a blazer and well-fitting trousers leaves you looking like a dandy compared to those in pleated khakis, Ed Hardy, or Wranglers. When you wear a tie, hell, that’s really dressing to impress. The result is subtle style getting treated like high fashion, which leads to way more compliments than when I lived in NYC.
I agree. I have a friend who picks out nice, high quality peices of clothing that are often very unique and unusual, then he puts them together in wild combinations. Ex: wildly patterned shirt with an odd contrasting cuff paired with a chinese kung fu jacket, selvedge jeans, toe sneakers, and a porkpie hat. Trying to make sense of the visual assult, people catch themselves staring, then they try to cover up by offering a compliment. “Oh, that is such an interesting jacket”. My friend hears this and feels vindicated.
I agree. I have a friend who picks out nice, high quality peices of clothing that are often very unique and unusual, then he puts them together in wild combinations. Ex: wildly patterned shirt with an odd contrasting cuff paired with a chinese kung fu jacket, selvedge jeans, toe sneakers, and a porkpie hat. Trying to make sense of the visual assult, people catch themselves staring, then they try to cover up by offering a compliment. “Oh, that is such an interesting jacket”. My friend hears this and feels vindicated.
The real danger in going by compliments is that they aren’t always genuine, People tend to compliment when they notice something but they don’t know what else to say about it.
What they say: “Wow, that’s a great hat!”
What they’re thinking: “Wow… that’s a, um… hat. It’s really ‘out there’ and I couldn’t help but notice it and now I have no idea what to say now without looking like a dick. Quick, say something nice so this doesn’t get awkward.”
It can be difficult to tell just how sincere they are being. It led me down some dark alleys of fashion when I first started trying to dress better.
It’s worth remembering too that in a lot of places the prevailing social pressure says that part of Being A Nice Person is saying “nice” things about people in polite conversation. (The flip side of course is that negative is rude, so even when you look for an honest critique you might not get more than “oh yeah that looks nice” and so on.)
That isn’t to say I think no casual compliment is sincere, more that all you can /really/ be sure of is “lots of compliments” = lots of notice.
I’ve been actually been trying to work on doling out more compliments. Every now and then I’ll really like something someone else is wearing, but I usually don’t say anything. Is there a good way to give out a compliment? When I do compliment I usually try to say why I like what they’re wearing, if possible.
but that’s what I got my saddleback forrrr
I think this pretty much says it all in regards to complements: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpH73ZIOyS0
There is a danger of that. You don’t want to be the adult equivalent of the goth/alt/club/theater kid in high school that dresses wild just to be noticed or shock people. However, occasional, genuine compliments work for me, especially if it’s directed toward a less “showy” item.
If you got a bright red leather briefcase or a really expensive brand like Hermes or Ferragamo (BTW- why on earth would you have such an expensive briefcase for interviews), then I would agree. But if you have a subtle, quality briefcase, then I don’t think its the end of the world.
I think you’re on the right track giving a short explanation. That backs up that it’s a genuine compliment and not just polite conversation, BS, car salesperson, etc. compliment. The only things I would suggest is that its infrequent, keep it short and sweet, don’t do it in a large group, and obviously don’t go running across the parking lot to do it; it should be as “natural” as possible.
Good god, my brain hurts trying to imagine that outfit.
The basic rule I try to stick by is making sure I’m happy with how I look when I leave the house. I dress for me, not to fish for compliments and not to try and make other people feel bad about what they’re wearing. At the end of the day, I come home feeling great because I wore something I liked (that was heavily influenced by Dappered most likely), not because someone commented on what I wore.
I really like getting compliments (who doesn’t) but that can’t be the only reason to dress well because 1) taste is subjective and not everyone is goin to like what I wear and 2) developing my own style has to come from within as much as without, through process of elimination I find what I like; compliments are only one part of that.
It;s semi-true… One of the guys i work with loves doing that, but the others just don’t. It’s not a policy. like you said. schtick.
I can’t help but be identified as the “well-dressed” guy, by people who know me from the distance, be it a community thing, or even in college. People who know me personally identify that as one of my ‘things’, but it’s not ALL about that.
One of the better compliments I’ve ever received was in reference to an outfit consisting of an OCBD, a pair of 5-pocket pants, and some leather bluchers. Nothin’ special. Sometimes simple wins.
Oh, and of course “fit” wins even more often. I’m still working on that part of it. I’m much better than I was a year or so back, but still learnin’ – especially from the likes of Dappered, EG, MSP, etc.
Absolutely true. They feel the need to say something nice even if they’re not really feeling it b/c it is obvious that you are trying to stand out.
Awesome metaphor Re: music. Glad no one has complimented my style for a while.
What happens when the business-casual, Dappered Uniform is considered out of the ordinary? I like my blazers, ties, cardigans, pocket squares, wingtip shoes, desert boots, etc or anything else that falls into the ‘Dappered Uniform’, business-casual arena?
That’s the way it is where I live (a small, rural town). I’m not about to start dressing down to match everyone else, so consequently, I get a lot of people trying to attack me for my looks (“well aren’t you just so f*cking fancy!” “why are you so dressed up??”) and a lot of compliments (“uh, you amazing” “I like your shoes!”).
My stance is this: I get extra attention for the way I dress. That attention is mainly split between jealousy and admiration; there’s probably a small fraction of people that legitimately dislike my dress, but you can’t please everyone. Personally, I like the attention and I like being a bit… uh… fancier(?) than most everyone else.
Here’s the thing – the people asking me why I’m so dressed up are almost always guys. Girls almost always express admiration and attraction to my outfits. To me that means I’m doing something right because guys are displaying envy and girls are displaying attraction.
Right. What we WANT is people to acuse us of being too dressed up…
https://dappered.com/2012/09/deciphering-this-question-why-are-you-so-dressed-up/
Right?
What I’m suggesting is that this is a much more complicated issue than this article would seem to suggest, especially for those of us that live in a small, rural area, where the Dappered (business-casual) uniform is often seen as outlandish.
I agree, I feel the goal of style is to always dress to fit the situation. If you dress well and aren’t wearing showy items, people will more often compliment you on being well-dressed or simply saying that you look nice, instead of pointing out a specific thing.
Amen. You wouldn’t think a blazer and maybe a tie or a pocket square would seem out of place at the bars, but my lord do I get a lot of reactions. Mostly, it’s compliments, but I also get a surprising number of guys asking me almost accusingly why I’m so dressed up.
https://dappered.com/2012/09/deciphering-this-question-why-are-you-so-dressed-up/
I figured it was something to this effect. Fortunately (for me), it didn’t work. 😛
Same here. The bar is set so very, very low.
In my experience if you are always dressed well you will stop receiving compliments from people who see you every day (looking sharp is normal). In fact if you BUM it one day you will get tons of reactions….
The key word you used is “subtle”. If it is subtle, I wouldn’t expect a lot of compliments.
I use a classic briefcase with simple, understated lines whenever I travel. I can’t get through a security-check line without receiving at least one compliment, and I assure you that my briefcase has nothing too noticeable on it. I don’t think that it’s a hard-and-fast rule that items that receive a lot of compliments are inherently showy.
And how upset are you when you DON’T receive those expected compliments?