Ask A Woman:
If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. And don’t worry, your identity will be protected too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com
.
Dear Beth,
My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost two years now, of which we’ve been living together for almost a year as well. We met through a mutual friend, and we’re both in our upper twenties, so we were completely aware of the fact that neither of us were, for lack of better words, “pure”.
Recently, my girlfriend inquired about a female friend of mine and whether or not we had a relationship before. As our relationship is open and honest, I told her, without going into detail, that we had a quick fling 4 years ago. Now, anytime this female friend is around my group of friends, she doesn’t want me to be hanging out with them. The female friend comes around once in a while, and I don’t want to miss out on fun activities because of something that’s happened in the past, especially since it happened so long before I ever met my girlfriend.
I am a very friendly person, and I hate breaking of friendships, even if they were at an intimate level at some point. I have issues letting go, but I maintain healthy friendships with exes, flings, and the such. Am I wrong for not cutting them out of my life? How can I avoid conflict when I’ve been faithful and honest for two years? Is it fair to be judged by your past? After all, aren’t the past’s mistakes what brought me to where I am today?
Concerned,
Tommy
Hi Tommy,
Man. I am on the fence with this one. Initially, I was with you. You live with your girlfriend so clearly you’ve committed to her, and presumably your relationship with her is solid. You’ve been honest with her about your past with your ex, and it sounds like you have mutual friends with your ex, so it’s sort of hard to avoid her.
But then I got to your last paragraph where you say that you have issues letting go. I’m not quite sure what this means. You’re not a great judge of when it’s appropriate to let relationships fizzle? I’m not a proponent of leaving friendships easily, but sometimes it becomes clear that the relationship is no longer healthy, beneficial, or mutual. For instance, I used to work in a small office, so everyone was very friendly with each other, and we knew the intricacies of each other’s personal lives simply because there were so few of us and we all worked so closely together. When I left that job, I attempted to maintain all of those friendships. Some worked because I had similar interests with those people, and I found that I genuinely cared about them, whether or not we were working together. Other friendships didn’t last because I found that our ties were only related to our being in the same physical space.
It’s natural for your girlfriend to be a little concerned about your relationship with this woman. Humans are inherently jealous. We are. I know there are idioms out there about how if you really trust someone, you shouldn’t feel jealousy or worry about them straying. That is such bunk. We’re all afraid of losing what we love. Sometimes it makes us act weird. So I get where your girlfriend is coming from. But, I don’t think you should have to go running from the room if this ex happens to be at the same bar or attends a mutual friend’s birthday party. That’s unreasonable.
Presumably, Tommy’s ex is cooler than Stacy.
Let me ask you this, do you talk to this ex independent of being at events with her? For instance, are you inviting her to meet everyone at the bar? Are you emailing her a funny link that reminded you of her? Because that’s a different story. I don’t want to tell you to stop contacting this woman if you really value her friendship, but I think you need to be honest with yourself about whether that’s true. Does your relationship with her give you something you can’t get from other people? Do you feel a strong connection that you think will last for years to come? If the answers to these questions are no, then I don’t see why you need to actively pursue a friendship with her. The nature of relationships is fluid. It’s supposed to be. Different people fulfill different needs at different times in your life. Don’t hang on to a relationship that’s not giving you anything, just because at one point in time you were intimate with this person.
Think about what’s behind the nature of your relationship with your ex, then have an honest conversation with your girlfriend.
-Beth
Got a question for Beth? Send it to: askawoman@dappered.com
His GF might as well get nervous anytime he hangs around a girl. The potential to cheat is always present. Worrying about him cheating is plain silly. Especially since hes so upfront.
Holy crap, the comma-for-apostrophe thing broke my grammar Nazi heart and made this solid article nearly unreadable.
I don’t agree. When you’ve had an intimate relationship with someone, it does change the future nature of your relationship. I think it’s a normal thing for the gf to be apprehensive. I also think that if the gf is upset about this, there may be more issues in their relationship that are leading to that lack of trust. The boyfriend who submitted the question may see this as a simple cause and effect relationship of ex gf being around and current gf being upset, but there I bet there’s more to it than that. If the boyfriend wants to make the girlfriend feel more comfortable, maybe he should be doing other things that would make her feel better about the relationship, and not just deciding between ignoring the ex or not.
All we know is what he’s stated. We cant get into speculation about all of the possible variables in their relationship… we simply don’t know enough. There is nothing he can do to quell his GF’s insecurity. All that is required of him is to be honest and tell his GF that it was just a one time fling. It’s up to his GF to get past that.
I don’t think I would have told my girlfriend that I had slept with this other woman in the first place. What does doing so accomplish?!? It certainly doesn’t make your girlfriend love you more, and makes things awkward when the two are in each other’s company. Jealousy and hurt are sure to follow. Bad move.
http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/tc/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd-medications
If it was really just a quick fling then this behavior by your girlfriend is crazy and you need to put your foot down. Frankly if she can’t handle it then your relationship isn’t going anywhere good.
Some jealousy is going to happen in relationships. It’s normal. If you’re really serious about this GF of yours, do her a solid and limit the situations you’re around this other girl. It’s not about her not trusting you, it’s about you sparing her the mental anguish of knowing you’re hanging out with some girl you had a fling with before.
why do we put so much pressure and so many artificial restrictions on relationships? i’m friends with about half of my exes, and not just the “i won’t cross the street to avoid making eye contact with you” type of friend — i can hang out with them any time, with anyone and it isn’t weird. my girlfriend is usually apprehensive initially, which is totally fine, but then she met them and saw that it wasn’t a big deal. at that point she knows it’s just two people who have common interests hanging out and having a good time; soon, it becomes three people.
for god’s sake, we’ve had between 6,000 and 20,000 years to figure this crap out, depending on which story about the dawn of man you subscribe to. i’m not taking sides in the story above; both people are equally immature and insecure in my book.
I’ll continue to say it…. Jealousy – especially in relationships – has to be the most useless and avoidable human emotion there is. +1, Sir.
Maybe I’m just not the jealous type, but I really could care less if my partner is friends with an ex if neither have done anything during the course of our relationship to make me distrust them.
Put yourself in her shoes. If a guy had sex with your girlfriend 4 years ago, would you want her hanging out with him. Even if you trust her, you won’t trust this guy and his intentions.
“Put yourself in her shoes. If a guy had sex with your girlfriend 4 years ago, would you want her hanging out with him. Even if you trust her, you won’t trust this guy and his intentions.”
who cares what his intentions are? if i’m giving my woman what she wants (which includes the humor, bacon and general quality of life as well as the D) i don’t give a damn what he wants. either he can hang out with us and have a good time, or he can’t. i don’t have time for his immaturity issues; i got f**kin’ to do afterward.
seriously, are we not men?
It’s lying by omission. If Tommy is to be friends with his ex, he has to be up front about things with his current girlfriend. I think 9 times out of 10, it will come to light eventually, and then he’ll have to explain to his girlfriend why he wasn’t upfront with her about it.
If you want to be friends with girls you used to have sex with or be in relationships with, you owe it to your girlfriend to be upfront and honest. If that girl isn’t ok with it, then you can’t be in a relationship with her. If she’s fine with it, then all is good. Honesty is the best policy here.
Tell new chick that old chick is bad in bed. Stroke her ego. And she’ll be stroking you.