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Hi Beth,
I was a dork for all of high school and most of college, but also angry and sarcastic. Because of this, I didn’t date when I was supposed to, and I never learned how to flirt. I’m in my mid 20’s now, I’ve grown up and I have a great sense of self, but I have no idea what to say to cute girls to express genuine interest in talking to them. The generic, boilerplate advice that I always get for this is “You just need confidence.”
My problem is that growing up without confidence in myself has made it very difficult to distinguish being confident from being cheesy or arrogant. So I’ll ask, to a cute girl, what is the difference between a confident man and a corny jerk?
Thank you,
Chris
Hi Chris,
We’ve sort of talked about this topic on AAW before, but I think your specific quandary takes it in a different direction, so I’m happy to bring it up here. I don’t think meeting women or flirting is as simple as having confidence. It’s like telling someone to relax. JUST RELAX. Well now I definitely feel relaxed, thanks for that. Of course when you’re first learning to flirt you’re not going to feel confident. Confidence is built from experience and you don’t have any yet!
Guess what that means. You have to make yourself vulnerable. Yes. You’ll be nervous. You’ll say dumb stuff. You’ll get rejected. And just so you feel a little better? You’re talking to the queen of rejection–in many areas. At the end of college I thought to myself, fuck it, and gave myself permission to approach guys I was interested in instead of standing around trying to look available. Sometimes it worked out for me, sometimes not. The rejections sucked, but ultimately it was very liberating–the thing you’re afraid of happens and you live to flirt another day. Also, I’m a writer for a living. Rejection is the name of the game–soon I’m going to be able to wallpaper an entire house with all the rejection slips from literary journals and publishers who think my writing is horrible. Boo-hoo. Onward.
As far as confidence versus arrogance? I think I can make that clear if we define what exactly flirting is (and is not). Flirting is NOT pick-up lines. I mean, yes, sometimes flirting includes a pick-up line, but the best flirting, and the flirting that I’ve always preferred is not so structured and generic. What makes flirting great is when it’s personalized. “What’s your sign” is generic. You can say that to anyone, plus, it definitely comes off as cocky, cheesy, and usually obnoxious. Flirting does not require a comment about someone’s physical appearance. “Nice rack” will not make a woman feel special and coveted. It will make her feel like she needs some anti-bacterial soap. And flirting isn’t a solely verbal art. It includes smiling, appropriate touching, nodding, laughing. Finally, contrary to popular opinion and practice…flirting should be genuine. Don’t flirt with someone by telling them they have beautiful eyes when you don’t give a damn about their eyes.
Of course, it’s possible that I want everyone to put themselves out there and risk rejection so that I don’t feel like the lone loser in the universe. I guess that’s a chance you’ll have to be willing to take. Wink, smile, nod, appropriate touch.
-Beth
Got a question for Beth? Send it to: askawoman@dappered.com
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