Ask A Woman: Friend request or personal connection?
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Hey Beth,
I met this girl at a party through an introduction from my cousin. I wasn’t totally drunk when we met but my alcohol level progressed with the night. I was wondering if it’s okay for me to contact her again through Facebook, (even though she hasn’t sent me a friend request or anything), or should I ask my cousin who introduced us to get us back in contact?
I know it sounds stupid, but your help would be appreciated.
– Mark
Hi Mark,
Stupid? This doesn’t sound stupid at all. You’re understandably nervous about approaching an interesting woman to see if there is a possibility for romance. Good for you Mark, you are showing courage and a positive attitude. I salute you.
You’re going to need to depend on a bit of your own discretion for this one, Mark. “I wasn’t totally drunk when we met but my alcohol level progressed with the night.” What does this mean? That you were tipsy and a bit flirty with her? That you can’t remember what you may have said to her? That you ended up going streaking through the quad?
If you behaved appropriately that night, then either method of contacting your lovely lady works. If you decide on Facebook, make sure you send a note along with a friend request–“Hi, this is Mark, we met at so and so’s party, my cousin is Marvin O’Gravel Balloon Face and he introduced us. I was wondering if you’d like to grab coffee sometime this week.” If you had an in-depth conversation about a particular topic, you can reference that to jog her memory. Sending a message is really important–you want to be upfront and clear about your intentions. Sending a simple friend request does nothing, and if she can’t place your face right off the bat, she may not accept.
Asking your cousin to reconnect you is completely appropriate as well…assuming your cousin is a stand-up guy who’s got skillz. That is, he’s going to say positive things about you to this woman, but he’s not going to be a doofus about it. “Yeah, Mark’s a great guy, it’s about time he got laid.” No. Go. If you can trust him, ask that he contact this woman, convey your interest, briefly, and ask if she’s okay with you having her number. Do not tell him to give her your number. This is your serve so you should really be the one contacting her.
If you were sloppy drunk the night you met her, I’d advise against Facebook, and I’d recommend asking your cousin to go beyond simply passing on her phone number, and arrange an occasion where you could talk again, face to face, this time sober. A dinner party, a happy hour (you don’t need to get plastered), a sporting event, bowling, or something along those lines. That way you have a chance to reconnect in a casual way, and behave as you normally do. At that point you can ask for her phone number and see how it goes.
-Beth
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I’d definitely go through the cousin in this instance since he/she knows the girl already. But I met the woman I ended up marrying through a random message on facebook when I saw we had similar taste in music. There’s next to zero chance I would have ever met her to begin with had it not been for that. Just relax and be yourself and things will unfold the way they were meant to.
This is an easy way to meet people from a party with a lot of mutual friends. Just a simple FB message saying “Hi, I had a fun time talking to you about X at the party, we should continue the conversation over a drink! My number’s xxx…” works really well. Bonus points if you pick one guy and one girl from the party and send it to both, as you don’t want to be the guy hitting on all your cousin’s female friends.
Is it better to be the guy who is hitting on all of your cousin’s friends, male or female? The problem with this method is that if you sent that message to me, then I (a guy) would think that you were flirting with me.
Or you could just not hit on all your cousin’s female friends.
Guys, is it just me, or is Bruschetta is hitting on me?
EDIT: Seriously guys, I need to know. Should I put my pants back on?
This is good advice. However, you should have asked her out when you first met her!
Why not just say it in person and not leave anything for interpretation? Of course, assuming you get a chance to do that.
If I walk up to a guy (I’m a guy) and ask to hang out one of these days, I can easily make it clear it’s only friendly. They can see how I’m presenting myself, hear the way I talk, hear the way I’m asking, etc.
Emails, txts, msgs, etc. all leave too much room for interpretation sometimes.
I agree with Beth’s advice. Doing it the old-fashioned way also shows more serious intentions.
And I agree with the very last part of what Brian said. There’s a saying: “Don’t sh-t where you eat.” It’s cool every once in awhile to ask about a friend of a friend/cousin/brother, etc. But if it becomes a pattern of behavior, then you become “the creepy guy that hits on of your friend/cousin/brother’s female friends.”