Ask A Woman: When your workmate asks you out… to a wedding
Ask A Woman: When your workmate asks you out… to a weddingIf you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. And don’t worry, your identity will be protected too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com
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Hey Beth,
Hi Brett,
Your question is pretty straightforward but there are a couple variables to think on. First, you work together. People tend to feel strongly about dating in the workplace. There are many companies that have strict policies on this behavior, including forbidding it. However, as adults, we spend most of our time, sadly, at work, so it makes sense that we’d seek meaningful relationships there. I dated someone I worked with; after the relationship ended in a disastrous ball of fire and I was forced to see the person on a weekly basis, it was pretty awful. Thankfully (or not), I was a 21 year old college student, so I didn’t think much of bringing a 48 oz. gas station cup filled half with Coke and half with whiskey with me to work to ease the pain. I’m also not very stoic about heartbreak so I walked around for a month with big alligator tears falling down my cheeks and not caring who saw. Including him. I’m sure he didn’t find that at all pathetic. Our college selves are not typically our best selves, amiright? Anyway, I just want to warn you of a possible road ahead if in fact the two of you begin dating. In six months you may be walking around the office with a flask in your pocket. If you don’t already.
Sometimes it’s hard to read the signals of other people. Maybe she’s wild about you, she’s just not comfortable being open about it yet. Or maybe the night you met up with her she felt shy about being too forward in front of a large group. She did ask you to be her date to the wedding, so that’s something. It means she likes you enough to spend an evening with you…although it doesn’t guarantee romantic interest. Some women (and maybe men, I’m not sure) get goofy about going to a wedding stag. They seem to think it means they’re a loser, or that it’s weird to go to a wedding alone. Which I totally disagree with–weddings can be a good place to meet other singles.
Beware the Stage 5 Clingers…
Anyway, my point is that it’s hard to know yet what the invitation to the wedding means. It’s promising, but it’s not a promise ring.
I think your attitude is right on. Go without expecting too much. Tell her she looks nice, ask her to dance, see that she gets home safely. Don’t put all your cards on the table; it’s still early. But if it seems like she’s digging you, go with it and have a good time.
-Beth
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Have fun and see where the night takes you. At the very least its an excuse to dress up and spend an evening with a girl you like. There are worse ways to spend the night.
I would personally take it as a very positive sign. If she simply didn’t want to go to a wedding alone, there must be plenty of people she already knows better that she could invite to avoid being uncomfortable. After all, what’s more uncomfortable than bringing a stranger to a wedding? I figure that if you pull a move like that, you must have a reason. I agree about not putting all the cards on the table, but I would be pretty optimistic in that scenario.
Also, if you get a good, positive read on the night, don’t let the opportunity slip. Ask her out on a REAL date before the first she steps into her house/apartment at the end of the night.
I think Beth’s answer is spot on. You work together, so be wary. But feel free to feel the situation out and just have fun.
I would add that sometimes weddings are pressure-filled for singles. It’s possible she wants a companion so she’s not going solo to a wedding, and you’re a good candidate. Or maybe assurance that she’ll have at least *one* person to talk to and hang out with. Don’t read too much into it, either too much interest or too much “friends-only.” Just go with it. She digs you enough to be seen in public with you at an event where everyone is thinking marriages and relationships. 🙂
Seconded. I have a lot of weddings coming up and, at least personally, I wouldn’t take a girl that I wasn’t pretty into. While it isn’t a surefire sign, I can’t imagine how it could be a bad sign / friend zone sign.
Don’t hang out with her too many times without making a move. That’s how you get friendzoned. When you’re at the wedding together make sure you flirt your ass off, and let her know you like her. If you get shot down, you move on, but the longer it goes the harder it will get.
Carnal Rule No.1: Thou shalt not dipeth thine pen in thine company’s ink.
Work is your livelihood. That’s how you earn money, and that is where you spend an overwhelmingly large amount of time during the week. I wouldn’t risk anything on the romantic side, although even NSA has its drawbacks.
Keep her as a friend, drinking buddy, whatever, but nothing more. Go to the wedding as a mutual friends and have good company, but keep it there.
Good luck!
are we talking carnal passions? didn’t know there were @dadboner fans around here…
Don’t get too loaded, just a few cocktails to get loose and conversational
I believe the saying is….. “Don’t SugarHoneyIceTea where you eat”.
These tend to not end well. I learned this the hard way – most of us do.
Tell her you’ll consider being her date when the sun goes out, the grass grows red, and the ocean turns to yougrt. See if she takes that as a “maybe.”
“the longer it goes the harder it will get.” -Great line.
Totally agree, and if you make a move and she turns you down, you can just blame it on the wedding; it’s like making a move on New Year’s at midnight.
Wait wait, I thought the phrase “alligator tears” implies the tears are insincere. That doesnt seem to go with the sincere need for liquid courage to get through the day.
She needs a date because she doesn’t want her friends (esp. married or betrothed friends) to see her as the pathetic single girl. But better to be a pathetic single girl than dating a pathetic guy, or worse, attending the wedding with a ho hum friend from work. This is to say, she probably wouldn’t have asked you to come if she didn’t think you were a catch on some level. Having said that, as much as she might be interested, at the wedding she may be primarily concerned with impressing her friends. If she just wants to have fun with her girlfriends from college, she might not appreciate it if you are hitting on her relentlessly the whole time. I’d play it real cool. Make sure she has a great time at the wedding. Make sure you don’t embarrass her or her friends. If you play it right, she’ll be the one embarrassed when her friends start asking her “why haven’t you reeled this guy in yet?!?” Make sure she enjoys her friend’s wedding to the fullest, then on the NEXT date, strike hard!
If that’s NOT what she said, has she ever said anything?
Lots of good advice here. Don’t worry about working together, millions of people do it and will do it in the future…Do not “show your poker hand” by telling her expect it to be a date or that you like her…Start immediately lightly flirting and if she’s responsive start heavily flirting…Here’s some flirting moves…When you meet before the wedding confidently go in for the hug and when you hug lift her a foot or two off the ground and put her right down…Maintain as much eye contact as possible, maintain a smile and always a fun demeanor…Even if you’re driving, every stop sign or stoplight, make eye contact…Assuming she’s responsive to your advances, find reasons to touch her, if she has an errand hair just say “this is bothering me” and swipe the hair back in place…Light grab her hand and say “Did you pay the big bucks for these or did you do them yourself? I’ve never seen anything like this” (even if natural, have a slight laugh in your voice)…Quick fluid moves here, don’t be stroking her hair for 30 seconds here…When it comes time to walk from the car to the wedding, immediately after both of you exit the car point out your elbow and say “shall we?” and walk arm and arm…While sitting at the ceremony come up with an occassional comment about something, lean in to her and whisper it, while whispering you can put your hand on her knee, her neck or shoulder. Cap yourself at only one drink an hour, I would attempt to push at least one drink on her as if nothing else she’ll have more fun…Again assuming she is flirting back with you will need to kiss her or risk never seeing her romantically again…Most girls would prefer that happen in private in a wedding setting so take advantage if you find yourselves in private. Interact and have fun with other people there and include her in the fun and conversations. If things start strong and start to go south later, start ignoring her and pay attention to another girl…This is your best strategy, be fun and start immediately flirting right off the bat…Even if you get friend zoned, if you were fun enough, she’ll want to at least hang out again. Every girl has single friends…
Some of this advice is good, but some of it is baaaaad. Give her a hug, but don’t pick her up off the ground. She’s not your old buddy from high school or the little sister back from college. Also, touching her knee and neck at the ceremony is a bit too much, too soon. RGB Steve below is right. Make sure she has a great time, impress her friends, and then at the end of the night ask her out on a date – just the two of you.
First, pursuing girls at work is what guys with zero game do — the girl HAS to be there, as in to make money to pay for food and shelter! If her only alternative wasn’t putting covers on her TPS reports, she certainly wouldn’t be talking to you. Any self respecting man should sport a STRICT “don’t shit where you eat” rule.
With that out of the way, your fact pattern sounds like she needed a date and you are “safe”. As in your nice, fun enough, and will probably say yes. That doesn’t mean you’re out of the running here, but you MUST make it clear that you want to see her naked and do dirty dirty things to her. Hell maybe even say something like that when she comes out in her fancy party dress, because if you don’t make it crystal clear that you’re not there to be safe, you’re doneski.
Worst case, she gives you a funny look, says she’s not into you that way, and you’ve got an open bar and legit ticket to be a wedding crasher. And nothing would make her more jealous than seeing you dance with every single girl at the wedding.
Damn, I should write this column…
If a girl’s attracted to you and you don’t make a move at a wedding, you may never get a second chance unless you look like Brad Pitt…Even worse, if she’s made up her mind she will get some romance in this wedding, if she doesn’t get it from him/Brett, she may find someone else…Most girls like being hugged like that because no one else does; it’s fun and random, sets the stage for how the nights going to be…High odds it’ll put a smile on her face…RGB Steve got it right with not to be relentlessly hitting on her; as I’ve stated you need to read her reactions to your flirts, start light and if she’s not responding well you need to back off…Assuming both of them are going to be riding in the car together on the ride to the wedding possible for quite a while, that’s when you need to strike hard…
I met my wife at work. And while I told myself that I wasn’t going to date anyone who I worked with, y’know… I was awfully fond of her from day 1, she was fond of me, and I’m glad as hell we both made an exception. “Game” or not.
And by the way, any guy that genuinely uses the word “game” when describing how he interacts with women most likely has none of that which he thinks he possesses. It’s kinda embarrassing.
Meanwhile, no, you shouldn’t write this column. Concentrate on getting your driver’s permit first. Maybe once you’re “doneski” with high school we can re-visit your offer.
While eye contact is important; too much can be creepy.
A girl has never said “I really like him, but his eye contact is creepy”…Eye contact is an important factor with getting a girl to like you and if she finds that creepy then it simply means she isn’t into you…
I guarantee you a girl has said that. Case and point: David Blaine.
Gave you some rep as I shouldn’t have said never but I stand by my statement and I believe if there are exceptions, it’s still an exception and not the rule…Here’s my opinion with David Blaine; if it wasn’t for his magic girls would never be interested in him…Yet because of the magic, they find him somewhat interesting but everything from his look, demeanor, eye contact, etc, scares them away…Regardless, be interesting and fun to increase your odds of success…
Lot’s of advice about flirting, touching, etc. but let’s go with basics:
1) Remember the etiquette basics- open doors, stand up when she gets up (use your judgement on this one, it’s becoming less common), help her put on her coat, go through a revolving door first, help her with her chair when she first sits down, all that stuff. But, do not make a big deal of doing that stuff, it should not be showy, exaggerated, or forced. e.g. don’t run across the room to open a door or make it obvious that you’re on your best behavior.
2) Remember table manners- what fork to use, which glass to drink from, how to cut and eat food, napkin on your lap as soon as you sit down, please and thank you, don’t reach, etc. They’re little things, but people will notice.
3) Watch your drinking. I know it’s hard, you’re at a wedding with open bar (god, I hope so). You don’t have to be a teetotaler, but take it easy. Or at the very least, always be 2 druken steps behind her (an extension of the “don’t be the drunkest person in the room” rule). Also go light on the stogies, they don’t do much for your breath.
4) Read Number 3 again. If you like this girl, getting drunk and making an ass of yourself will not help.
5) Have something nice prepared when the bride and groom come to the table- almost a mini-toast.
6) Unless this is a beach or they’ve made it clear this is a casual wedding, wear a nicely tailored suit to the wedding. As a reader of Dappered, you should know the rest.
7) Depending on when the wedding ends, have an after-hours place in mind (no, not that, well maybe…). Figure out a nice bar, place to walk, etc. that’s in the area. Depending on where things are in the night, suggest going to that place. If she likes you, she’ll probably say yes.