Top Photo Credit: Mark Tee
1. Olympics Logo Wear: i.e. Ralph Lauren 2012 Team USA Jacket – $287.99 ($795)
Stick some Reynolds Wrap in your mouth, drop $300, and you too can go as Ryan Lochte for Halloween!
2. Trendy Wedding Bands
Hopefully you’ll be picking out just one of these. So skip whatever trends might be wandering through the jewelery industry at the time. Safest play is either a plain silver or gold band. It’s not as classic, but an ultra plain option would be a low shine titanium band. They’re featherweight, go with anything, and cheap enough to replace quickly before your wife finds out you dropped it in the… wait… what?
3. Candidate Bumper Stickers
Your car’s wearing it. Also, know that a truly independent voter has never, ever been convinced to vote for a certain candidate because of a bumper sticker. It’s absolutely someone’s right to proclaim their political tribe affiliation with an adhesive sheet smashed to the back of their automobile, but man… that Kucinich ’04 sticker on your Camry is just all kinds of sad.
4. Sports Jerseys
Free agency and draft busts. Those are hell on a mega sports fan’s collection of gear. Best to steer clear of these in general. But if you must, the best looking jersey’s in order of the 4 major north American sports are as follows: 1. Hockey 2. Baseball (especially Cooperstown stuff) 3. Football 4. Basketball (tank tops just aren’t a great look.)
5. Going from salt and pepper back to one color thanks to a box of chemicals
On Friday you had some distinguished grey going on at your temples. After the weekend, your hair is the color of shoe polish. Don’t do it.
6. Tattoo of your girlfriend’s name
Even Johnny Depp screwed this up.
7. Piercings. Sometimes.
Especially tunnel plugs.
8. Shaving your chest
Itchy. Pec. Stubble.
9. Letter Jackets
Takes you a couple years to earn your letter. Then you’ve got a year, maybe two to wear it proudly. After that you head off to college or enter the real world only to find that… no one gives a flying phallus about your high school athletic career. Now get back to work Bundy. Your days of scoring multiple touchdowns in one game are over.
10. Anything velvet
Despite George Costanza’s affinity for the fabric, for most, it’ll hang in your closet and go unused for years.