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Top Photo Credit: Mark Tee
1. Olympics Logo Wear: i.e. Ralph Lauren 2012 Team USA Jacket – $287.99 ($795)
Stick some Reynolds Wrap in your mouth, drop $300, and you too can go as Ryan Lochte for Halloween!
2. Trendy Wedding Bands
Hopefully you’ll be picking out just one of these. So skip whatever trends might be wandering through the jewelery industry at the time. Safest play is either a plain silver or gold band. It’s not as classic, but an ultra plain option would be a low shine titanium band. They’re featherweight, go with anything, and cheap enough to replace quickly before your wife finds out you dropped it in the… wait… what?
3. Candidate Bumper Stickers
Your car’s wearing it. Also, know that a truly independent voter has never, ever been convinced to vote for a certain candidate because of a bumper sticker. It’s absolutely someone’s right to proclaim their political tribe affiliation with an adhesive sheet smashed to the back of their automobile, but man… that Kucinich ’04 sticker on your Camry is just all kinds of sad.
4. Sports Jerseys
Free agency and draft busts. Those are hell on a mega sports fan’s collection of gear. Best to steer clear of these in general. But if you must, the best looking jersey’s in order of the 4 major north American sports are as follows: 1. Hockey 2. Baseball (especially Cooperstown stuff) 3. Football 4. Basketball (tank tops just aren’t a great look.)
5. Going from salt and pepper back to one color thanks to a box of chemicals
On Friday you had some distinguished grey going on at your temples. After the weekend, your hair is the color of shoe polish. Don’t do it.
6. Tattoo of your girlfriend’s name
Even Johnny Depp screwed this up.
7. Piercings. Sometimes.
Especially tunnel plugs.
8. Shaving your chest
Itchy. Pec. Stubble.
9. Letter Jackets
Takes you a couple years to earn your letter. Then you’ve got a year, maybe two to wear it proudly. After that you head off to college or enter the real world only to find that… no one gives a flying phallus about your high school athletic career. Now get back to work Bundy. Your days of scoring multiple touchdowns in one game are over.
10. Anything velvet
Despite George Costanza’s affinity for the fabric, for most, it’ll hang in your closet and go unused for years.
Sad to see sports jerseys is in this article. Glad to see hockey jerseys as the first acceptable exception.
I don’t always wear a hockey jersey, but when I do, I prefer to wear my Canucks jersey in the middle of Sharks territory. Stay thirsty my friends.
funny, a female friend of mine and i had a discussion tonight about how much she hated velvet and i agreed with her.
Go Bruins! (he says from Los Angeles)
I think sporting events (live) are pretty much the only place to bust out the jersey. Th eonly other exceptions would be an “office spirit day” or something like that, as well as a Super Bowl, or similar party at the host’s request. But I could be wrong. In fairness, the jersey in my avatar was at a hockey game.
Football > hockey. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-SA!
Erie Otters?
Yup!
I have 2 Irish soccer jerseys that I wear in March to suit up for binge drinking. One was a souvenir purchase in Ireland and you can’t have enough parade gear on the Southside of Chicago. If you pick a jersey, you have to go with a transcendent or hall of fame caliber player. Greatness will always be in style.
The trendy, non-precious metal bands also can’t be cut by EMTs if your hand is injured. If the finger starts to swell and you can’t slide off your ring, gold, silver and platinum can be clipped. Steel just acts like a tourniquet. But don’t worry – no one will think your wedding ring is feminine when you only have nine fingers.
That’s why I opted for a palladium ring over cheaper options like titanium and tungsten carbide.
no way I’m clicking that “tunnel plug” link.
Yeah, in general you probably shouldn’t just throw on a jersey to wear for the day just because. I’m big into jerseys during their respective seasons, won’t go to a game without one on, and I also wear my football jerseys on gameday when I go over to my brother’s house to watch with the guys. My baseball jersey’s get wore less (obviously I would be wearing them everyday if I took the same approach) and my (1) basketball jersey pretty much collects dust.
Good point. I have a Mike Knuble jersey that I bought a few seasons ago. I decided on Knuble because on more than one occasion, I’ve seen him go to the net to retrieve the puck after a new teammate scored his first NHL goal. And during an away game, as he was heading back to the locker room after being interviewed when the game finished, there was a guy with his kid both wearing Caps jerseys right where he stepped off the ice. Knuble gives the kid his hockey stick from the game. That guy’s a class act.
I got married back in April and I was shocked at how many absolutely hideous wedding bands men are apparently buying these days. There was actually some thick and clunky ones that had a tribal design all the way around (maybe to match the tattoos?). I wanted something that looked like what my late grandfather wore, so I ended up with a classic (white) gold band.
I disagree with #10. I have a navy velvet blazer that I absolutely love and I always get compliments on it, whether I’m wearing it with jeans or grey slacks and a tie.
I dunno about #10. (Love the clip, though.) I have a Calvin Klein velvet-esque slim fit blazer which is fantastic and is perfect over slacks or jeans for the jazz night on the town. Velvet track suit? I’m totally with you.
That is exactly what I got. Mine’s brushed, so it’s not as shiny as the rest. New material, classic feel.
The amount of hair on my chest would say otherwise. Particularly if let go to be untamed – it certainly pops out via the collar/neck area. Shaving it straight to the skin with a razor, I agree…but a lil buzz doesn’t hurt anyone.
Yup – if you’re not watching a game, leave the jersey in the closet.
You can crack Tungsten Carbide, so no real worries.
I’m not a fan of gold (or jewelry in general, normally just wear steel banded watches) so I opted for a Tungsten Carbide ring with a ring of carbon fiber in the middle. I wanted to go ring-less but the wife wouldn’t have it. So I got a cheap ring ($50 from Amazon) that compliments my only other “jewelry”, watches.
That’s actually not true. Tungsten and similar metals are actually crushed off (with no damage to your extremities) with a tool similar to vise grips. I am still not sure where this internet myth began. I actually returned my $800 palladium ring after doing a lot of research. My plain cobalt chrome ring looks exactly like platinum, scratches less, and was $50. It also came with a lifetime warranty.
Also, precious metals bend. A tungsten or cobalt chrome ring will crack in half if impacted. Imagine slamming your hand in a car door. A gold ring will bend, crush your finger, and need to be cut off. In my mind the non precious metal will actually cause less harm due to absorbing the impact and shattering. Needless to say I am sure both scenarios would hurt like hell. However I’d like to think the latter would hurt slightly less.
http://msgboard.snopes.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=35;t=001885;p=0
I don’t think anyone was saying a gold, silver, or platinum ring was feminine. So, no stainless steel watches for you then huh?
Yeah, there’s always exceptions, and some guys can completely pull off a velvet blazer. But it seems like every few years, they get real big, a bunch of guys buy one, and then… it just sits in the closet. Closest thing I have is a peak lapel fine wale corduroy. Real dressed up.
I have my ears pierced and gauged (nothing too huge). It took me a few years to finally take the plunge after wanting them for a long time, and then another year or so to get them up to the size I wanted. I don’t regret it for a second and I know at some point if I want to take them out I’ll have odd holes in my ears. I’m a-ok with that they will go well with my wrinkly tattoos.
I also only wear sports jerseys to sporting events and only that is soccer for me.
I don’t think Joe is against keeping it under control; I think he was saying he’s against going full-on baby’s bum.
I disagree with #7. Your pictures show like 2 inch gauges. The smaller ones can actually look nice. I had size 4 gauges for a couple years and believe it or not, depending on the guy, they can actually compliment your style. Obviously not the most clean cut and formal of accessories, but if you are into alternative style it can help you stand out.
I have a Jordan White Sox jersey that my brother gave me for my birthday. I plan on wearing this to every future sox game I go to.
My dad is a volunteer fireman – 90% of what he does is medical first response. Their gear will take off the top of a car like a banana peel and punch through the side of a concrete wall like cardboard. The idea that they, or any well-equipped EMT team, can’t clip through an itty bitty steel ring is laughably absurd.
A Canucks jersey anywhere outside of B.C. is bad, but it’s nice to see some hockeytalk on here though… and Go Sharks… and let’s hope there’s a season this year.
If this were Reddit, I’d be with you. This is not Reddit.
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This might be Sparta though…
I would agree. I currently keep it about 1/2 inch or a bit below. IMO it looks far better than long, pube-like hair (sorry for that description).
Get a Space Jam patch put on the sleeve. You won’t do it.
Are you telling me my Darko Milicic Pistons jersey was a premature buy?
Thought you had written “leather jacket” instead of “letter jacket” and was thinking, what’s wrong with a good leather jacket?
Luckily I have absolutely nothing on this list besides a trendy ring. I have a plain one, but i also have a plain diamond ring my in laws gave me.
#4 made me laugh. My son got a free Manny Ramirez jersey at a Dodger game only to have him leave the team at the end of the season. It’s still about two sizes too big for him, but I don’t think I ever see someone wearing a jersey that’s not ill-fitting unless they’re on the field.
I think jerseys are only appropriate if you’re actually playing the game, under 16, or wearing it as a costume. It’s just weird to see adults playing dress-up.
I must disagree with number 1. While the RL blazer is a bit over the top, I have a couple RL Olympic polos and love them. Plus, I get compliments all the time.
HA!
Nice! So, what events did you compete in?
Tanks are actually cool in the summer time if you have some nice cargo shorts and sneakers. Letterman jackets are stylish too, throw on some ray bans and some slim jeans and skate shoes. But obviously this isn’t for the dappered audience
So that’s the only way to legitimize wearing an Olympic polo? I’m sure everyone wearing a dive watch is actually a diver too.
No love for soccer jerseys?
…except as concerns my wallet, absolutely nothing my good man.
Thank you, thank you, for number 2. Every time one of my friends buys another weirdly colored/shaped wedding band (those odd squared/cornered rings are awful), it makes me feel bad for them in the future. You think that two-tone tungsten/cobalt ring is going to fly when you’re forty, in the year 2025? No.
It’s funny, these are the same idiots who won’t step beyond the blue blazer with gold buttons and the tassel loafers their daddies wear, but they’ll rock the new-age rings.
I love these guys though.
They make us look good.
Best answer to shelf life problem on #4: College football jerseys. Just graduated from Miami, living in Houston, so no-brainer: Andre Johnson Miami jersey. Agree with other commenters, though, that wearing one is only acceptable on gameday.
So wearing my jersey to my teams football game isn’t appropriate? Please explain…
I will never have need to buy another one, but I can absolutely vouch for the titanium wedding ring. I have skinny piano fingers so all the rings I tried on were ridiculous looking and I felt conspicuous wearing gold. White gold would have been alright, but the feather weight of the titanium was just the most comfortable thing I could imagine wearing for the rest of my life, and the slight off-white just looked better on me. I found a guy online who did custom work who made an ultra-thin ring with a subtle silver inlay, done exactly to spec. Four years later, the ring still looks awesome, IMO. I can try to find the website of the guy who did mine, if anyone is interested and I can post a link.