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Women, body image, and getting her out the door.

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Ask A Woman:  How to get her out the door and on your date.

If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. And don’t worry, your identity will be protected too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com

 

Hi Beth

A common scenario in our house involves me getting home about 15 minutes late, ready to rush to dinner, only to find my wife is in the early phases of deciding what to wear.  A dozen outfits will be strewn across the bedroom as she decides whether to go with the red or the black.  My philosophy, which has worked well for the preservation of our marriage, is to give her the time and space to parse through this, giving her any guidance I have on what others might be wearing at the same event.

 Once she lands on something that I really like, I’m quick to tell her how well it works for her, but she knows I’m trying to push her out the door too.  Normally, I don’t care being late, but the worst instance involved a photographer waiting in our living room for almost an hour until she was ready.  I realize this goes far beyond whether she prefers plaid or stripes that day and has everything to do with how she feels about herself.  How would you suggest approaching one of these wild bedroom (not the good kind) melees?

– Nick

 (I shamelessly adore the column)

 

Hi Nick,

I shamelessly adore your shameless adoration.  I’m a sponge for your love.  Give it to me.

Ohhhhh man.  Wives.  Can’t live with ’em…well you know the rest.  How perceptive are you that you recognize there’s more going on here besides indecisiveness?  For the rest of the schlubs out there reading, let’s clue ’em in.  Sometimes a woman really can’t make up her mind.  The red dress makes her butt look shapely but she’s concerned it might be too short, while the blue skirt is the perfect length, but perhaps the color is too bright for such-and-such an occasion.  This kind of waffling, however, does not make a lady keep a photographer waiting for an hour.  Fifteen minutes, maybe.  Not an hour.  We’re not that wack-a-doo.

I believe Nick is hinting that his wife is having some body image issues as she tries on her clothing.  She feels fat in this one, she’s feels shrimpy (or Amazonian) in that one.  The pink dress makes her zit stand out, the high-necked blouse requires an updo and she’s having the worst hair day EVER.  Let me say first that I am so sympathetic (empathetic?) to what your wife is going through (as most women probably would be).  There are few people who are more critical of their appearance than I am of mine, but what you’re describing is excessive.  She can have a fat day; she can’t make you late to dinner every time you have plans.

I commend you for being sensitive toward your wife’s feelings and keeping the peace in your marriage, but your wife needs to give a little, too.  When you know you have a significant event coming up–photo shoot, party, concert–gently broach the topic with her.  “Honey, I know you like to have a lot of time to get ready, so to avoid being late on Saturday afternoon, can you try and figure out what you’re wearing by Friday evening?”  She may prickle a bit; it may take a couple instances of prodding to get her on board, but eventually I think she’ll come to see the benefit of what you’re saying.

Some days she thinks she’s a pear.  Some days a Matisse?

Of course, this is a short-term solution to a long-term problem.  And it doesn’t address the day to day challenge of getting ready on time for anything that might come up without much notice.  I wish I could tell you that your support will one day “fix” her insecurities, but this is her deal.  My personal experience, for whatever it’s worth, is that it took years for me to understand that my frame of reference could not be a size 4, zero-cellulite, perfectly-proportioned body.  I spent my teens and twenties truly believing this was the standard against which to judge myself.  Eventually I had to widen my frame of reference considerably–okay, I’m not a size 4 and I don’t think I’m ever going to get there, but I have a good-looking set of gams, and great hair, and that has to be enough.

It took even longer for me to get to a point where I could say with conviction, “You know, I don’t have to look perfect and feel great every night.  But I do have to get my ass out the door.”  As women, as perfectionists, as people who put a lot of stock in how we present ourselves–however you want to classify your wife and me–we have to get over it and surrender to mediocrity from time to time.  We have to move beyond how we feel in a given moment.  Feeling ugly?  Yeah, that sucks.  But we made plans a week ago, and we have to honor them.  Feelings change; commitments and values don’t.  Keep being a sweet, supportive husband.  Know that that in itself won’t make her believe she really does look lovely in that black dress.  She needs to find peace in her body, and with time–and perhaps some tactful reminders from you–I hope she’ll get there.

-Beth

Got a question for Beth? Send them to: askawoman@dappered.com

Comments

  1. My advise.  Sit down and watch her getting dressed.  There is nothing sexier than watching a woman dressing.  Legs, hips, shoulders.  Pour a scotch and enjoy. 

  2. Unfortunately that might make things worse; if she is feeling insecure around herself, what is to say that just watching her wouldn’t make things worse. 

    Personally, I would suggest what Beth said, but also go a step further and tell her what you are wearing, and go through the process with her. Just sitting down and watching her dress is uncomfortable for her, but engaging in the process of finding an outfit may help. Also, tend to not pressure her, she might be indecisive, but it’s better than having her not feel comfortable in the clothes she is in. 

    This article from dappered kind of helped me out on this one and I think applies to women as well: http://dappered.com/2011/12/the-importance-of-not-overthinking-your-look/

    From,

    Mike 

  3. I agree with Michael, some women do not appreciate being watched. It may seem sexy to me but it is far from it for my girlfriend.

  4. 1. Much like flowers/gifts, be sure to give her feedback (both good and bad, honesty is important) about her clothing choices and looks…when you’ve nothing to gain from it. If she’s wearing something cool and looks nice, just say so. It will help confidence and self-image a bit when she knows it’s not just because you’re trying to get out the door. This isn’t a cureall, but is a key ingredient in behavior conditioning (positive reinforcement). Let her know she looks good to and for you.

    2. Maybe give the gift of a personal shopper/tailor or whatever it is women call it, and a hefty gift card or credit card. Perhaps someone with an unbiased and trained eye for what full outfits truly look good on her and why or why not.

    3. If she has a reason to be self-aware, then perhaps you both need to sit down and talk about improving that negative energy. In other words, maybe you can both take up some exercise or whatever. It’s one thing to tell someone to get in shape (they’ll bristle and get defensive), but entirely different when you’re both improving your lives together, for the sake of happiness, both individual and together. Exercise has another key benefit of wearing generally tighter or less layers of clothes together, which is sexier, let alone the physical and mental benefits of such.

  6. @ the video:

     Hah.  Riiiiiiiiiiight.  That’s totally gonna take off.  The point the fruit comparison is that people know what the fruit looks like so it gives them a frame of reference.  They are banking on Americans knowing enough about classic artists and what women they liked to paint?  If a woman told me she was a “Rembrandt” body type, I would be visually trying to compare her to a tube of toothpaste.

    It would be useful in that if one were talking with a “Picasso,” it would be a good sign to hit the road.

  8. Men have plenty of their own hardwired faults, but I think women have trouble making a decision.  This is why they take HOURS to shop.  Why they can never just say where they want to go to dinner and then DO it and say whether they’re happy with the table when you get there and then BE happy with it, etc. etc.  Alright, shields up, let me have it.

  9. The title of this article reminded me of Christina Hendricks. Mad Men needs to come back quick!

  10. Make sure to always tell her your reservations are for 30-45 minutes before they actually are

  12. Love your column. Im getting married in 3weeks and my fiance, in her defence, is quick to get ready and always looking amazing but has no confidence which i find frustrating! Hopefully i can take on Beths advice and be more understanding.

  13. My intention wasn’t to embarrass my wife, so I’ll just respond anonymously.

    1. – I do that all the time and am a big fan. She takes the flowers for granted now, which is fine. I wish she would say thank you once in a while, but it helps when a friend comes over and asks what’s the occasion for the flowers, and she says…oh…no reason. :-)2. – She has a great sense about this already. Last year, she had the opportunity to get a Hollywood wardrobe and makeup makeover. While the makeup was definitely taken to a new level, she rightly pointed out that she knows what works best for her body. Hasn’t stopped her from coming home from the store in a top with horizontal stripes, but in general, she’s one of the best dressed people I know.3. – She weighs almost half of what she did when I met her, and she did it the right way, going on to be the poster child for the weight loss program she used. Exercise is still a difficult animal, but you’re right. There are many psychological benefits on top of the physical rewards of working out. I could stand to be far better at encouraging her in this department and taking part in exercise with her. 

    You must be on a similar path because you clearly know. I didn’t expect anyone to offer a silver bullet, but even a few tips are really helpful.

    I mean, if Beth has body image issues and if my beautiful wife does, God help all the other women.

  15. My fiancee HATES it when I’m even in the same room as her if she’s getting ready.  Not out of insecurity, but she feels like I’m being impatient and rushing her if I’m sitting around doing nothing but watching her while I’m ready to go.

  16. “Sometimes a woman really can’t make up her mind.”
    Remove “Sometimes” and you have the correct statement.