Ask A Woman: Should you really wait three days to call after you meet her?
If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. And don’t worry, your identity will be protected too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com
Hello Beth
I met a lady at a bar one evening. We hit it off right away and even exchanged a few kisses. I asked for her email and she jokingly said “Here, you can even Facebook stalk me.” I email her the following morning saying how it was a pleasure meeting her and that I’d like to “keep in touch”. Then I follow up and send her a friend request on Facebook.
It’s been about a week now and I have not heard from her. I was just wondering, did I break that 3-day rule of contacting her? I thought that rule was non-sense? Anyway, I would love your insight on this topic and I would also appreciate any advice as to what I can/should do next without being all stalker-ish.
– Justin
Hi Justin,
This situation sounds embarrassingly familiar…echoes of my misspent youth, sigh. There are a couple possibilities that might explain what happened. Here’s the first. You mentioned that you met lady
How “relaxed” was she?
Let me explain why I think alcohol is a factor here. Women–despite how crazy, flaky, and fickle some men believe they are–do not go from having a pleasant evening to deciding they never want to speak to you again by the next morning. Doesn’t happen. Some event must come to pass in between to make them change their mind about you. Assuming you didn’t leave out the part in the story where you follow her home, knock on her bedroom window, and then expose yourself when she lifts the shade, the other explanation, besides inebriation, is that your perception of the evening was far different from hers. Maybe you thought it was lively conversation but she was merely humoring you; maybe you thought the kissing was full of chemical sparks but she felt nothing. But, at that point, she shouldn’t have given you her email address, and her joke about Facebook stalking seems out of place (if she really didn’t want you to contact her, why put the idea of Facebook in your head at all?). So I still think it more likely that she was drunk.
I don’t think it was wrong at all to contact her the next day. Contacting her by two methods–email and Facebook–was probably overkill, but then again, she welcomed both by giving you her email address and mentioning Facebook. As I’ve mentioned here before, “rules” about dating, like you should wait 3 days before contacting a woman, are extraordinarily archaic. And LAME . Think how much simpler life would be if people who were romantically involved said what they meant and acted upon what they said. If you like someone, you ask them out. If you still like them, you call them again. And if you don’t, you tell them immediately, and gently. I hate, hate, hate this idea that the way to love or sex or a committed relationship or a fun fling or whatever it is that you want, has to be cloaked in games and mystery.
Advice from any guy who calls you “baby” is worth a 2nd opinion.
All of this is to say, Justin, you did nothing wrong. I think it’s great that you met a fabulous woman, had a fun time with her, kissed her, got her email address, and then contacted her the next day. I think it’s a bummer that she didn’t get back to you, either because she was embarrassed (which apparently there was no need for) or because she was dishonest the night before when she gave you her email address.
As for your next steps with this woman? There are none. She’s telling you she’s not interested, for whatever reason. Don’t let that discourage you; move on to other (perhaps more sober?) women.
-Beth
Got a question for Beth? Send them to: askawoman@dappered.com
Good call, Beth. That’s the main disadvantage of meeting women at bars/parties/70’s discos. They’re great for a little fun, bad for follow up dates. When the conversation has the added factor of alcohol, it’s hard to get the same sort of affection and interest that was there once the hangover has set in.
I’d like to play devil’s advocate and “debate” what Beth said in the last paragraph…
Would it be a crime if crime if Justin gave it ONE more shot? There’s absolutely nothing for him to lose at this point. Even though she has conveyed disinterest with her lack of response, I’ve found reading these situations to be a crap-shoot as much as it is a science.
I kid you not, I’ve seen women explicitly tell me they weren’t interested, yet “come back around” with a little bit of passive persistence. They key is not losing your cool, and handling rejection with grace. As long as you don’t entirely focus your energy on her, knocking on the door one more time will put you in a position that is no worse than you are now.
Am I totally crazy to think this?
oops
Nothing, that is, but his self-respect.
If she can’t do you the courtesy of replying — in any way — then move on.
I agree totally with what Beth says, but I want to make a comment about requesting a girl you hooked up with in a bar to be friends on Facebook (even though she suggested it). I think in these situations it is better to use other means to communicate before being friends on Facebook.
Facebook has all sorts of connotations. If someone becomes your Facebook friend then (depending on how you have it set up) their other friends (family,exes,co-workers) can see that you are their new friend. Making your ‘relationship’ even slightly public is still a big deal. It can be intimidating to accept that friend request, but no one likes to turn someone down. I would avoid the possibility.What happens if you go on a date with this person you only knew for a few hours and they turn out to be crazy? You now have to de-friend them, awkward.
There is such a potential for awkwardness that I think being Facebook friends before you have had at least a couple of (sober) dates is a bad idea. I would always stick to other avenues: email, text, phone calls, before starting a Facebook relationship.This is of course just MHO, and it should be said that I live in NYC, where the weirdo percentage is probably higher than other places.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I feel like asking for her email seems like a cop out. Get those digits! Also “keep in touch” seems weak, too, may have seemed shady to her.
Don’t worry Justin, bitches be crazy.
I was at a bar once and a girl told me to find her on facebook, but I asked for her phone number instead. I called her and left a message. No response. A week later, my buddy – who got her friend’s number, because I think it was a package deal – told me she asked her friend, “he left a voicemail, what do I do?” Seriously? You call me back you idiot. Needless to say, it didn’t work out.
Lesson learned, I’m just going to text from now on.
Or you may be showing your “i give up easily” gene.
I completely agree with you! Justin, if you want to see her again, go for it! Get her phone number and make your intentions clear! Don’t guys love the chase anyway? What are you doing waiting around?
Solution: Get the phone number next time.
Bonus Tip: If she doesn’t respond within 24 hours then it’s “on to the next one”
Exactly — I think everyone could benefit from a little more clarity of their intentions these days. Typically if you want to go on a date with a girl, just say you’d like to take her out sometime (or go out with her, depending on your and her level of feminism) and ask if you can call her.
Alternatively, don’t say that if you aren’t going to call her. Or if you just want to hook up later/again, get her number and keep it casual and *never* promise a girl more than you’re going to follow through on.
But what you are actually showing is your “I’m desperate and have no game” gene
I’m a little wary of texting — depends on what type of girl it is (age, where/how you met, what city/state/country you’re in, etc), but I do know some girls that think text = not that interested, call = interested. That being said, a lot of girls prefer texting these days, for better or worse…
Dan, obviously you don’t like her that much is you are texting her. Texting is a waste of time. MAN UP, call her. If she does not call you back, it is her loss. Hopefully, if you are honest and upfront with her, she will do the same for you. Don’t hide behind text messaging. You’ve already put yourself out there….why hide?
This sounds all too familiar. I definitely encountered a couple similar experiences in my college days.
There was one on St. Patrick’s day where we were both inebriated (and knew it), and I kid you not, we were in head over heals, drunk love. Our conversations were amazing, we were bonding on everything, the sparks were flying, and the connection was palpable. I am seriously glad we weren’t in Vegas because we may have tied the knot right there. Of course we would have ended up getting it annulled the next day after we realized that the chemistry was almost entirely booze induced.
The other time was definitely a little more similar to Justin’s above, and much more heart breaking than my first. It was a really cute girl that I had had my eye on for some time (had a few common friends), and it finally worked out where we grabbed dinner with some mutual friends after a football game. Well she was sending vibes all night (smiling at me when everyone else was involved in a conversation, lots of innocent yet intentional physical contact, just all around flirty). Well I kind of let the night play out like that, didn’t try to go home with her or anything because I was legitimately interested in her and had been for some time. So, I got her phone number, and like Justin tried to contact her a couple of time the next week with intentions of asking her out. Never heard back. Down the road (after a couple future social interactions with her) it turns out she was a very flirty drunk and good at hiding the drunk part.
Wow, i just wrote way more than I was originally intending.
Moral of the story: If it’s just for fun, go to bars, fall in drunk love, talk to drunk girls. For something more, make sure she’s sober before making any assumptions.
“Don’t guys love the chase anyway?”
No.
Women like to be chased; don’t make the mistake of supposing it’s fun for all.
QED
If you make out with a drunk chick at a bar you either take her home or you’re not going to see her. Emailing/facebooking? Are you still in high school? That seems extremely tacky and impersonal. Get her damn number! If she made that much of an impression on you at the bar that you’re still thinking of her a week later you obviously should have gotten more than her email address.
The Swingers clip was great. Loved that movie. I don’t really go by ‘# of days’ to call, but rather a specific day. Met on the weekend, call on a Tuesday or Wednesday. It’s middle of the week so weekend plans probably aren’t set yet. It’s also a weekday so it’s casual and it’s probably been 2-3 days so you don’t seem overly anxious or lazy.
Okay, everyone. This is what you do. Type this email, replace with your name, and do similarly with . Wait for the reply:
Hi there,
I’m
sure you’ve been busy, doing whatever you do, working at the DMV to reply to me after we met at the bar the other night, so I’ve prepared some replies so that you can just hit Copy
and Paste and send it back to me:
1)
you’re very hot, and unfortunately your email
was lost in the sea of jackasses I get mail from, but I would love to get together with
you.
2)
you are very hot, and I’ve just been too busy to get back to you and I’ll get back to you in a couple of days.
3)
you are very hot, and I’m in the middle of a long, detailed
response explaining my feelings for you based our meeting. Please
wait just one more day for me to finish it
4) You’re very hot, but you’re not my type so good luck in the search out there.
5)
I don’t think any of this is funny, I take myself way too seriously and
I actually have to go now because I have a therapy appointment…but
yes you are very hot.
Select whichever applies and hit me back.
Haha, definitely deserved that.
Damn thing thought I was doing HTML formatting. Trying
once more:
Okay, everyone. This is what you do. Type this email, replace YourName
with your name, and do similarly with her name. Wait for the reply:
Hi there, HerName
I’m sure you’ve been busy, doing whatever you do, working at the DMV to reply
to me after we met at the bar the other night, so I’ve prepared some replies so
that you can just hit Copy and Paste and send it back to me:
1) YourName, you’re very hot, and unfortunately your email was lost in the sea
of jackasses I get mail from, but I would love to get together with you.
2) YourName, you are very hot, and I’ve just been too busy to get back to you
and I’ll get back to you in a couple of days.
3) YourName, you are very hot, and I’m in the middle of a long, detailed response
explaining my feelings for you based our meeting. Please wait just
one more day for me to finish it
4) You’re very hot, but you’re not my type so good luck in the search out
there.
5) I don’t think any of this is funny, I take myself way too seriously and I
actually have to go now because I have a therapy appointment…but yes you are
very hot.
Select whichever applies and hit me back.
YourName
“You call me back you idiot.” HA! Yup. Well put Dan.
Well, let’s be easy now. He did man up and call. I think he’s good.
Hell, at least she gave you the right contact info. I once had a girl give me a fake phone number. I guess saying ‘no thanks’ was too simple for her.
Nah, I enjoyed it. It’s good to see that others have the same story about “drunk love.” Oh ethanol.
Seems like the correct way to handle things.
Fair point. Thanks for your opinion.
uh…what?
Good advice. Let it go.
You’re not showing anything, except interest. She hasn’t responded. We could interpret that as “I’m not interested”, but it could mean plenty of other things. The only way you’d be displaying your genes, whichever ones they are, is if she’s doing the same sort of (mis)interpretation.
Admittedly, she’s not signalling any interest on her end. But girls play games. Honestly, even if he does lose some kind of status in this one girl’s eyes, that doesn’t mean his respect for himself has been forfeitted. If anything, knowing what he wants and actually putting some kind of effort into obtaining it should give him more self-respect than giving up what he wants at the first opportunity to do so.
Personally, I’d give it another go, but just one. I’d probably play off of her lack of response with something like “Hey, sorry I broke the 3-day rule, blah blah blah, how about we give this one more go?” If she doesn’t respond, it’s no skin off my nose. But she’s had some time to think about it, and if she still doesn’t make any effort at responding, then she’s really not worth the time.
Then again, I would have gone for the phone number instead of e-mail and Facebook.
Requesting a girl on fb that you just met, even if she made a comment about doing so, is lame. Nothing good can come out of it. If a girl requests me I won’t accept until I’ve seen her at least a few times. I don’t want to get to know someone by their fb profile and vica versa.
Also, who the fuck gives out their email instead of a phone number? This whole situation sounds sketchy. Move on and get the digits next time.
The “three-day rule” is indeed lame.
By and large, don’t expect anything that happens in a bar to go very far, especially if both parties are drinking. Just enjoy it while it lasts.
Someone misread your comment methinks.
Yeah, I *thought* I called her, but after that comment, I just don’t know anymore. Up is down, down is up, left is…well left is still left for some reason.
Girls want Alpha Males… hitting her up 2 different ways was the first overkill! hitting her up again screams, I need a data and beta male!
Girls like to be chased….. but they never get with the ones that are chasing them.. why do you think jerks always get the girls? There’s a difference between flat out uninterested and playing hard to get.
Hilarious
Hahaha – I think you’re in the clear. I applaud your efforts.
Solid advice here, Beth. You read this situation well.
Girls want a lot of different things, and alpha status can be expressed in many ways. Mystery’s not exactly the image I get when I think “alpha male”. Besides, the point isn’t whether or not she wants an alpha male. The point is, demonstrating interest is not a cardinal sin, there are multiple possible explanations for behaviors such as hers, and he has nothing to lose by making a final attempt.
And, simply for the purpose of conversation, how do happy couples get together? If girls just want alpha males, who are invariably jerks, how is it that there are so many couples who defy this dynamic? Did she get tired of alpha males and say yes to the first beta male who had the guts to talk to her? Is she getting some on the side? Is she waiting for the big mean alpha to come rescue her from her loser beta boyfriend? I acknowledge that modern ideas of “game”, combined with a heavy application of the shotgun approach, work reasonably well for the acquisition of one-night stands with a particular demographic of the female population, but that model seems to fall apart once applied to the rest of the whole.
And that’s the intent! Gets a smile on their face and a reaction. You can tone it down to your comfort level of course, but the ballsier the better!
Very well put!
I’ll add a disclaimer up front that I’m 29, and this advice primarily applies to guys who are pursuing women in their mid-late 20s (or older). If you’re going after girls in their early 20s, I don’t think any truly reliable guide exists, as there are wildcards galore. That said…
I have to echo what many others have already mentioned- nothing is 100% guaranteed, but if I meet a girl out and we seem to connect well, I’ve always had the best results by asking for a number, and then calling the next day. No texting, no 3 day rule, none of that. Just prompt follow up with a direct expression of interest. If she picks up and you can ask her out directly, fantastic. If you get her voicemail, keep it short, keep it simple, (leave ONE message *coughSwingerscough*) and don’t be afraid to actually express some enthusiasm and interest. “I had a great time meeting you, and I would love to see you again” (yes, I actually use the word love). No magic or crazy strategy involved, but the next time this approach doesn’t work for me will be the first. There are plenty of guys out there overthinking themselves- keep it simple and you will be fine.
Agreed on both points. “Friending” someone on facebook is the same as introducing them to your friends. I’m not going to do that for a stranger.
And get the number. Email is lame (and way easier to screw up writing it down). You’re already face-to-face so why go backwards?
I get that some women want to be chased, so they appreciate persistence. Unfortunately I think that depends on the girl and in my experience that’s tough to read.
I operate under the expectation that we’re both adults and if I have to play her games now, I will continue to have to do that in the future (assuming I want something long term). Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun, exciting, and the sex can be great. But I don’t have that kind of patience anymore – there are things in my life more important to me than staying ahead of the game and playing the right card.
I imagine most gents here have seen the inverse – when you haven’t been into a girl and she didn’t get the hint. Think about all the verbal/non-verbal cues you sent to her and she still came back. IMHO, when it comes to getting a man, I think every woman knows how to show she is interested. To me, it’s not a question of miss-reading the signs, more reading into whats not there.
I think the lesson to be learned from all this is: a bar is not the best place to meet girls if you’re looking for more than a hookup.
I’d like to advocate what Joe G. is saying. If she’s not talking to you because she’s not interested fine then end result you don’t see her again. However, not responding could be due to some unforeseen event that none of us know about. If you liked her enough to write Beth an email then I’d say she was more than some random girl who blew you off. I’d say she’s worth another attempt at communication. Just don’t wait much if the response doesn’t come. You’ve got nothing to lose and if she doesn’t reply then the end result is the same but you just threw in an extra attempt.
As for self-respect: I’d say that only holds if we’re playing the archaic dating game where you wait 3 days etc. If not then this final attempt is just you expressing yourself one more time, with confidence, that your still interested. If she’s not then as far as I’m concerned she’s got a boyfriend 😀
I’m a woman, and under no circumstances would this get a smile on my face. And the last thing in the world I would do would be to write back. If I just met the guy for one night, chatted and kissed a little – and we were both a little tipsy – he emailed me and I decided not to go there, and then he wrote me this? I’d never go out again, for fear of hooking another stalker who thinks he’s funny. Beth is right; it’s fine to reach out the next day. But if she doesn’t respond, you have absolutely no justification in bothering her again. It’s creepy, unattractive, and will get you nowhere. Sure, we leave a little to the imagination to keep things exciting. But not so much that we don’t respond if we’re interested.
Because clearly giving up at the smallest resistance is the paragon of game… I wonder how well that worked for our evolutionary ancestors?
Has anyone thought about the possibility the email ended up in her junk mail folder? Email accounts can be even more crazy, flaky, and fickle than women can be.
Justin didn’t specify whether or not she accepted the friend request, though I’m assuming “have not heard from her” includes the request. In either case, Facebook will often fail to notify me when I receive a new friend requests. It could be weeks before I actually notice.
Do I honestly believe the email ended up in the junk mail and her Facebook failed to notify her? No… But I do think it is important to recognize that there are literally an infinite amount of possibilities why this woman hasn’t responded yet, OTHER than she’s just not interested.
The best lesson to learn from this not to use email as your “go to” means of communication. Not only does it appear like a cop out, but it also opens the door to the many misunderstandings computer-mediated technology can lead to. Without the tone of voice and back-and-forth exchanges of a real-time conversation, our messages can be easily miscommunicated.
Stop asking women for advice about meeting and dating women. They never have anything useful to say. I’m willing to bet Beth has “flaked” on a man when she was totally sober. Get advice from guys who date and sleep with lots of women instead. Why would one woman give you good advice? She can only give you info from her perspective.