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Style Debate: When to pick up the tab

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Split Checks vs. Treating

They were only in town for two days for a mutual friend’s wedding.  They came a long way.  Airfare isn’t particularily cheap.  It had been awhile since we had seen them. The four of us (the Mrs., myself, and the out-of-towners) went out to eat and had a great time.  The waiter asked if we wanted split checks.  There would have been three for a table of four.  We said we’d treat and insisted on picking up the tab.  But was that honestly the best thing to do?

The case for Split Checks: They aren’t your kids.  They aren’t charity cases.  Nor would you want them to do that to you if you flew to their side of the country for a wedding.  It’s a nice gesture, but it can cause a feeling of imbalance.  Just split the checks.  Otherwise you risk looking like a show off.

The case for Picking up the Tab: They spent a ton of money on airfare and hotel.  Having one meal come off their overall bill is probably a nice surprise.  Besides, it’s better to give than receive.  It’s easier on the restaurant just to put it on one bill, and since we’re going out after, they said they’d buy drinks.  Everyone wins.  Right?

Your thoughts?  Do you ever pick up the tab for those who aren’t your significant other?  Leave it all below.

Comments

  1. based on the description of the people (mutual friends of people getting married), I would split the check.  That way there’s no embarassment on either side. 

  2. Pick up the tab! They are friends and they spent a lot of money coming across the country. They are guests in your town, and picking up the tab would be a true showing of hospitality – a kind gesture and one I would appreciate being on the other side.

  3. Pick up the tab. It’s a courtesy and if you are the ones who invited them out to dinner shows that you are hospitable. Especially since they said they would buy drinks, there’s doesn’t seem to be any feeling of embarresment.

  4. That can be a difficult situation, but I will sometimes make a comment like, “How about I pick up this one and you can pick it up when we come to visit you,” or “I probably owe you money.” That takes some of the charity feeling out of the act and instead imbues it with the sense of the give and take in a relationship.  However, that will only work if you indeed would like to have dinner with them again, or if you have some sort of preexisting relationship.  If not, just split the check.

  5. I say pick up the tab.  I would have never thought of it as charity at all.  It is a nice gesture. 

  6. As you are going for drinks later this is a no-brainer, pick up the check. You get this one, they get the next one, why spoil the flow of your night worrying about who had what. If they are friends and as long as money is not really tight it will all work itself out in the end.

  7. If good friends, I say pick up the tab.  You probably owe them from sometime before anyway or things will surely balance out eventually.  If just old acquaintances, split the tab so they don’t feel obligated.

  8. I’m with MarkC on this. Plus we’re in a triple recession. No one is too good for charity these days, much less a kind gesture.

  9. What restaurant were you visiting where the waiter OFFERED to split the check? That just sounds made up.

  11. My girlfriend and I go out with other friends (many of them couples as well) on a regular basis. This happens more often than you might think. Especially when it’s obvious that the people at the table are paired off in couples/groups.

  12. Pick up the tab man.  I know everyone is different, but I probably wouldn’t be friends with people who would feel uncomfortable about accepting a nice gesture, and I’m far from rich.  I know I wouldn’t feel iffy if someone agreed to pick up a check for me, regardless if I was flying cross country.

  13. You’re all classy guys, I agree completely.  Now who want to go out to dinner with my fiancee and me.  We like expensive restaurants and fine wine…

  14. I agree, although “I probably owe you money” is something I’d reserve for a friend who’s close enough that it might be true.  “You’re a guest in our town” works pretty well for me.

  15. I agree, although “I probably owe you money” is something I’d reserve for a friend who’s close enough that it might be true.  “You’re a guest in our town” works pretty well for me.

  16. If they flew in and have already spent a bunch of money just to see you, pick up the tab.

    If they’re just friends who occasionally visit you, they can pay.

  17. The only clear conclusion here is that readers of Dappered are gentlemen in name and game. Dappered FTW!

  18. Agree.

    I get
    what you meant. Based on the description, it seems to me like the couple
    picking up the tab know these out-of-towners (and the two don’t know each other, hence the 3 checks and not 2). None of these people are more than casual acquaintances.
    There is no mention of going out for drinks after, or going to
    visit these people in their hometown much less calling or emailing them once they leave again. No mention of how much the tab is (5 Star Steakhouse or Chili’s?).

    I only pick up the tab when: We are friends or family, we invited someone out to dinner and picked the
    place, they offer to reciprocate in some way (drinks, etc), or, the tab is manageable ( <$150ish). My fiancee and I are
    on single income and I would rather have the money take her out again someplace romantic then pay
    for someone's dinner who, until this point, didn't really make an effort to get to know me. If I didn't invite them, then it was their intention of eating there and picking up their tab on their own anyway.

    From my perspective, me picking up the tab for almost anyone is akin to me holding the door open long after my group has passed through. I would never shut the door in front of someone's face but I'm not a doorman either.

  19. Sorry, meant “the couple picking up the tab DON’T know these out-of-towners”

  20. Agreed too. We have family and friends visit A LOT and we always do and vise versa. I think it comes down to the social-norms of your group of family or friends. Its soemthing we do and its a way to show friendship.

  21. Depending on the restaurant’s technology, splitting the bill can be a very simple process. Older tech isn’t as good at it.

  23. Pick up the tab. It’s a nice gesture. Especially if you don’t eat out together often. Especially if you’re old friends and none of you could afford such civilised gestures when you were younger. Especially if its your home town and they’ve travelled to be there. 
    But don’t get into a silly contest of “no I insist” or anything. And don’t make a habit of picking up their tabs when you go out, without reciprocation first. (Unless you know they are skint and you’re feeling especially charitable). 🙂

  24. Plus paying separately makes you look/feel like a teenager! 
    – Occasionally I’ve seen a group of teenagers paying for their drinks at a bar individually. Looks very cheap and quite ridiculous. (Especially if you are waiting to get served too!)

  26. THIS.  I was hoping someone would find this.  I thought I had heard this theory before, about how everyone wins if one person pays and then the next time the other pays.  Thanks for finding the source…

  27. Where I am from, you usually need to ask the waiter to split the check not the other way around.

  29. This is an interesting scenario, but whenever it’s a double date let the fellas split the tab.

  32. Agreed. I usually say something like this, or “Don’t worry about it, Karma- I’m sure you’ll get us back somehow.”

  33. pick up the check, no question. but even if you’re so strapped or cheap that you can’t buy your friends a meal, at least be adults and give your overworked server a couple cards with the totals written on the back of a single check; the only excuse for making your server split the items for you is illiteracy.