Ask A Woman: How to approach a woman you’ve never met
If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. And don’t worry, your identity will be protected too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com
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Dear Beth,
I’m a 20-something New Yorker, and living in New York I find myself constantly surrounded by the kind of women you want to elope to Santorini
Pop culture has taught me that the man-who-is-more-confident-than-me always knows something appropriate to say in a situation like that. In your opinion, is there any way to approach a strange woman on the street or on the subway without coming off as weird or overly-forward?
Best,
Nate
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Hi Nate,
Here is the secret to hitting on women: be genuine. No lines, no ego, just yourself: “Hi, I noticed you across the bar/street, and I just wanted to come over and introduce myself. I’m Nate. May I buy you a drink/walk with you for a bit?” The reason this strategy works is that it allows you to keep your dignity whether or not the woman is interested in you. If the woman is interested, you’ve just set yourself up as a polite, honest human being–not a bad way to start a love connection. If the woman is not interested, it allows her to gently turn you down–“That’s very sweet of you, but I have a boyfriend/I’m really late for an appointment.”–and both of you get out of it alive.
It’s very, very hard to politely respond to a man who says: “Baby, you must be a broom, ’cause you swept me off my feet!” A woman who is not interested will react with a horrified face, or some choice words telling you where you can go. Sorry guys, maybe it’s an overreaction, but our creep-meter immediately goes up and all we want to do when we hear such a terrible line is create as much distance between ourselves and you. (And yes, fine, perhaps it’s possible to stumble across a woman who thinks lines are hilarious and charming, but if you do, she’s one of five such tolerant women in the whole country, so take that luck and buy a lottery ticket while you’re at it.)
The hard truth of the matter is that to meet and connect with someone, you have to make yourself vulnerable. I know it’s difficult to walk up to a beautiful stranger and subject yourself to possible rejection. But, I’ll spare you some surprise right now: you WILL be rejected from time to time. It’s a guarantee. When it happens, be gracious and exit the stage: “Okay, take care.” Then try again with someone with whom you’d like to elope to Mykonos.
-Beth
Got a question for Beth? Send them to: askawoman@dappered.com
First, thanks for being the voice for women here. Its been enjoyable to read your weekly responses. Here’s my question. Are there any zero tolerance, deal breaker things that if a guy is wearing a woman won’t give him a chance? I’m thinking bracelets on guys. No? And is there anything else?
Chris
my holiday party is coming in 2 weeks, hopefully i can use this to make some mistakes!! thanks!!
I’ve never used a pick-up line, but once when I was wingman for a friend there was a young woman dressed in a bright yellow dress with bright yellow heels that caught his eye. He was afraid of approaching her so I tried giving him pointers and he wouldn’t take them. So I said, “fine, go ask her if she is married to the Man with the Yellow Hat” and he told me she would have no clue what I was talking about. So I walked up to her quietly dragging him behind me and asked her if she knew who Curious George was. She said yes and I told some lie about how he thought nobody would know who CG is. Broke the ice, walked away, enjoyed my Manhattan and they talked all night. As Beth said, it is all about being polite and approachable without being creepy.
I know it sounds counterintuitive, but asking women for dating advice is a really bad idea.
Most women either have no clue as to what they really want or if they do they don’t express it well.
We all know women who say they want a man who is respectful, successful and well educated only to see her a week later with an unemployed biker who bathes once a month simply because he knew how to press the right buttons.
Women will state platitudes like “be yourself”, be a “nice guy” or offer to buy her a drink. That’s not enough.
Buying a woman a drink right off the bat is the worst thing you can do and any respectable dating guru will tell you this. It looks needy, like you need to buy her attention. Also, being too nice-smiling and nodding too much, looks weak and submissive.
Women are pretty good at detecting desperation so being too attached to the outcome or letting on that you are crazy about her will probably kill your chances.
Just my $.02.
@Skinny Vinny: “Most women either have no clue as to what they really want or if they do they don’t express it well.” Dude. Way to stereotype. Also, the last guy I’d go to for dating advice is a “dating guru.” Kinda like how the last guy I’d go to looking for motivation is some motivational seminar speaker.
So jumping out from behind of a dumpster while you walk buy isn’t the best way to do this?
I love these articles but Josh I’m going to go ahead and respectfully disagree here and advise you to NOT offer to buy any stranger girl a drink until she has firmly conveyed a mutual interest in getting to know you. The truth is the moment she sees you she has already made up her mind as to whether she wants you to stay around. Offering to buy a drink only forces her to make a split second decision on an issue that you really should let her make gradually and naturally and preferably without her really knowing she’s even making it. It’s not so much what comes out of your mouth as it is your body language hygiene and clothing. So make sure you stay dappered inside and out. Based on that she’ll pick up on whether you have friends a job or play Xbox in your moms basement. Work on conveying a confidence in your tone and mannerisms and so long as you are genuine it won’t matter what words, excepting any profanity or absurd nonsense, leave your mouth. Just like you did with her, she’ll sum you up based on how comfortable you appear with your environment. Oh, and be funny.
And agreed with the Skinny Vinny. Don’t be afraid to disagree with her, ask her to explain herself, etc. The “nice guy” who buys the drink and just agrees with everything she says or wants is the guy who can’t stand up to the outside world when it comes to being a manly man. The man in the big yellow hat situation is infinitely more interesting than the “let’s get to know each other questions”. So ask her what her major was later if you score a first date. She too must say something interesting so don’t be afraid to make her feel that pressure. It’s as much her audition as it is yours. And if she doesn’t bite just move on. This world is full of beautiful women. Millions of them. Millions.
Ok i could go on forever on this. Back to work. Good luck kiddo.
@ Steven
Haha that made me laugh very hard! Nice
@Joe: And an accountant is the last guy you’d go to for tax advice and a lawyer is the last guy you’d go to to draw up a will. Sure. Also, many successful people (people who don’t need to find deals on J Crew/Kenneth Cole/Gap merchandise) have attended motivational seminars.
Dating gurus/coaches are professionals offering a service just like anybody else. Advice much better than the “introduce yourself and buy her a drink” fluff that Beth offers.
Sure, drop $10-15 buying a woman a drink before you even know if she is interested in you, or worse, even available. Feel like a schmuck when, 10 minutes later, her boyfriend or husband shows up to meet her at the bar. Move on to the next woman and repeat throughout the night. Go broke and end up sleeping on your parents couch. Hey, you tried.
Now I have never used a dating coach myself but I have listened to interviews and read articles by them and most are spot on.
But go ahead, be a “nice guy” and buy the little lady a drink.
I’m pretty much with anotherjames. Confidence is your best bet with any woman and yes, even the best of us get rejected at one point or another. Whatever you do, DON’T BUY WOMEN YOU DON’T KNOW DRINKS. Walk with her, yes, buy her a drink, no.
I do agree partially with Vinny, thought I don’t think that women don’t know what they want. I think it’s just if you ask one direct what they’re looking for, they’ll answer in the long-term. Funny, nice, polite, and so on. These are the typical qualities they want in a long term partner down the line.
But in the shorter one night, one week, one month scenario, I think they’re looking for a whole different set of traits. How many times do you see girls leave the bar at the end of the night with the a-hole over the funny nice guy?
The whole “buying a drink” thing is just a slight step up from saying a ridiculous pick up line. If you find it that hard to go over and talk to a woman about anything, then you’re missing the point. Like Beth said, just try and try again until it works. In the process, you will also get better at it.
And people who listen to dating coaches are empty husks with no personality. If you need someone else telling you how you should act in order to score some intercourse, then women will be able to tell just how shallow and clueless you really are. Or maybe they won’t…I tend to not be interested in the intellectually challenged women myself, so maybe it works on them.
Point is, you should be yourself, just as Beth said. If you don’t know what to say to the girl on the bus or coffee shop, you should approach her and tell her exactly that…..you think she looks great and you like the book she’s reading or whatever, but you’re terrible at talking to women. If that doesn’t make her laugh and lead you into a conversation, move along.
@Vinny getting law advice from a lawyer or tax advice from an accountant is very different than getting motivational advice from a speaker or dating advice from a “guru”. Lawyers and accountants work with quantitative information, things that can be physically backed up. The other 2 rely on qualitative. I was once required to go to a motivational speaker for a job. The only thing he motivated me to do was to never go to one again. His approach did not gel.
Likewise, I find most women do know what they want but, like man, can be manipulated by the wrong people.
@MickyO:
“And people who listen to dating coaches are empty husks with no personality. If you need someone else telling you how you should act in order to score some intercourse, then women will be able to tell just how shallow and clueless you really are. Or maybe they won’t…I tend to not be interested in the intellectually challenged women myself, so maybe it works on them.”
Empty husks with no personality? Hardly. A friend of mine, who despite being a great guy with a great personality and many female “friends”, was tired of being dateless and utilized the services of a prominent dating coach. It paid off for him. He learned how to modify his approaches while still being true to himself. Why reinvent the wheel?
Let’s ratchet the civility factor back up a touch, shall we? Y’know, something higher than Askmen or StyleForum levels? Because if we don’t, guaranteed we become like every other comments section on the internet. Filled with trolls and insults. And from what I understand, women don’t like either of those two things.
OK OK OK let me just say this and then I’m done.
Josh, in order to hit it off with the stranger you must work on improving yourself throughout every day so you’re always prepared. I’m not saying that you personally do this, but a guy who spends all day at the office then in front of ESPN or the Xbox ultimately brings little to the table when he meets a girl. In short, he has no life. But the guy who always improves himself by engaging in activities, soccer, cooking, clubs, etc offers a lot. And while you don’t immediately walk up to a stranger and tell her that you make the best cucumber aoli, you have a certain energy and confidence about you that she will pick up on. Why? Because you have a life. With that life comes the comfort and confidence that you are cool with yourself whether she likes you or not. And THAT, my friend, is what she will sense and what will make her want you. She senses that through your activities you offer her something in life more than a friendly genuine smile (which any one can offer) and especially more than a drink. So like how an athlete prepares for a game, what you do during the time when you are not approaching a stranger is just as important as what you do when you do approach her. No go forth. Conquer.
Ok as a woman, I have something to add to this. Not all women like being hit on, not all women dislike it. However one thing I personally dislike is when guys are overly persistent. There’s a saying that “When a man says no, it ends the conversation. When a woman says no, it starts a negotiation.” Don’t be the guy that proves that generalization.
I do dress up when I go to clubs, but I don’t do it to get hit on. I do it to get noticed, sure, and maybe chatted up, but “hit on” not so much. There’s a big difference between positive, flattering male attention and feeling objectified and harassed. When girls say they hate being hit on, that’s what they mean. Objectified, harassed, and disrespected.
All of the advice on here is good advice for a specific type of woman, meaning that buying a drink for one girl might work for some but not for others. First rule is to be well dressed. Spend extra time in your appearance. Example you always notice the clean hummer in a parking lot but not the run down ford Taurus. Second rule and this one is the hardest for most. Be confident. Don’t be shy or stand offish talk to people, male and female. Third rule have fun, laugh, engage in conversation. Fourth rule, when you find the girl you are interested in don’t pre-fab a conversation in you’re head, odds are what you think you might talk about will not even come up. Talk to people that are around her look at her and make eye contact with out being that weird guy that just stares from across the bar. Glance in her direction as you are talking to others. If she looks at you than there is a possibility that she is interested, not a guarantee but a possibility. The reason for this is to allow her to window shop. She can see you and get a peak into you’re personality by seeing the way you present yourself while talking with some one else and gives you an opportunity to peak in on her personality. If you think you two are a match then move on to Rule four and this one is situation specific. Finding a way to talk her. This one is on you. Keep in mind that you need to be yourself and dont agree with everything she says. If you disagree respectfully tell her and explain why. People wether male or female want to hear opposing ideas in conversation or the conversation simply gets boring.
Steven, can you write more funny stuff? Thank you.
Thank you for proving women are dense, totally unable to flirt, and just as UN-original as any man with a lame pick up line. Have women no sense of HUMOR?? No concept of flirtation and FUN?? ZERO CREATIVITY???
Your advice to men is just as pathetic as a terrible pick up line.
When a guy uses a cheap and stupid pickup line, instead of automatically thinking he’s a “creeper” (makes me sick how women use the word “creep” whenever they don’t get the ‘gina tingles just because a guy didn’t come on to her they way she WANTS him to)…..
Can’t you think of something BETTER (or humorous) to say BACK????
You girls really need to stop behaving like a man is “dangerous” or a “creep” for saying something fun like “you must be a broom because you’re sweeping me off my feet”. Jesus Christ. Just because he didn’t tell you whatever you wanted to hear, doesn’t mean he’s dangerous or a creep. Get over your man-hating self.
He serves you a ball, don’t you know how to hit it BACK??
Chemistry is like a tennis match. Someone shoots you the ball…. you are supposed to hit it back (preferable BETTER). But serving a woman with any opener (even a lame one) is like playing tennis with a wall. Women are like clueless little kids when it comes to FUN and flirting.
She is now WIDE OPEN to think of dozens of creative and fun things to say back. But you don’t. You refuse to turn the experience into a positive one. Then you scurry off like a lame little coward.
Example:
HE: “Nice breasts”
SHE: “EW GROSS!!! GET AWAY FROM ME YOU CREEP!!!!”(she will BEHAVE like he just insulted her – when he actually gave a compliment)
Women are so pathetic in situations like this,you all cower behind your unoriginality and inability to hit the ball back. Why won’t a woman use the brains (you all pretends to have) and say something clever back?? If you’re going to pretend you know more than MEN, and put on this fake air of superiority dolling out this so-called “advice”……
SHE: “Why yes they ARE!!! They’re REAL… and they’re FABULOUS.” (smiles)
That would turn the situation into something FUN and FUNNY! That’s hitting the ball back. And now it’ up to the guy to hit the ball again. That’s called “getting a good rally going”. But women have no concept of that. No concept at all. You would just prefer to pretend to get all offended, like you were just insulted and start demonizing all men.
All you have proven with this pathetic article is that you’re not worth the attention or the compliment. A guy would do better to just shut the hell up and walk right past you. That’s the advice you’re giving men. And it’s an attraction killer. It explains why millions and millions of women are single against their own will.
We have better things to do.. and better women to know.