The Ten Scariest Trends in Men’s Style

More terrifying than any costume you'll see tonight.

Zombies have nothing on these nightmares.  Style is timeless.  And while some trends start, take hold, and eventually jettison the world of fashion to blend with classic style, the vast majority of trends have a half-life shorter than the careers of the Jonas Brothers.

Like the costumes you’ll see tonight, some trends are more frightening than others.  Also, trends in style aren’t always  rooted in clothing shapes, colors, and production.  Sometimes they’re a shift in how we present ourselves through our actions.  Your additions to the list should go in the comments.  And if at any point during these ten you need to close your eyes, you go right ahead.
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Ex Girlfriend Jeans: Levi’s Super Skinny Ex Girlfriend – $68.00

Done having kids? No need for a urologist.

Named after the type of jeans a woman would accidentally leave behind at her ex-boyfriend’s placee.  Which leads to two points worth noting:  1.  If that scenario actually took place, why would you ever put them on?  And 2.  If you did, face it son, she’s better off without you.

 

Drop Crotch Pants:  ASOS Drop Crotch Chinos – $57.50

Just because it hadn't been tried, doesn't mean someone had to.

What one presumably wears if the swelling won’t go down after wearing Ex-Girlfriend jeans.  Moderation in all things.  Especially when it comes to breathing room for your junk.

 

Beyond Bad Moustaches

Ned Flanders is crying somewhere.

Tomorrow is the start of Movember. And a moustache grown to raise awareness about men’s health issues is more than just fine.  But for the other 11 months of the year, the solo soup strainer has no place unless you look like Wilford Brimley or Sam Elliott.  What was once limited to cops and then sprouted up on hipsters, the ‘stache has spread to normal guys who are just looking to try something out.  And it’s not the best idea.  Women hate them.

 

The Ever Present Smart-Phone

Is there an app for good conversation?

Droid, iPhone, Blackberry, whatever… if you think someone looks preoccupied walking around with a bluetooth earpiece hanging out of their head, then setting your phone on the table during happy hour (or even bringing it in with you when there’s no reason to) isn’t really all that much better.  It’ll be fine in the car.

 

The odd scarf / t-shirt combination

"My arms are FREEZING."

Now that the slouchy beenie thing is going away, it appears some who were addicted to those frumpy hats need some other winter accessory to wear with their t-shirts.   The only logical next step after this is mittens at the beach.

 

Men not knowing how to sew on a button

Easier than running Fa. Which is a long long way to run.

A trend of a different kind.  There were warning signs we’d get to this point.  When  one kid shows up to the Scout meeting with merit badges stapled to his sash, that’s a tragic anomaly.  When there’s a patrol worth of them walking around using a Swingline as their chosen method of mending, there’s an epidemic coming.  Fast forward a decade or two and a solid portion of men between the ages of 18 – 35 don’t know how to sew a button on a shirt.  It’s not even close to being this complicated, but this video is plenty helpful.

 

Underwear with inexact waist measurements

Your ball park should not be ball park.

Between this, the drop crotch, and the Ex-Girlfriend jeans, we’re all suffering through the dark ages of crotchdom.  Once upon a time your underwear was made in exact waist sizes like 30, 31, and 32.  Now much of it is small (30-32) medium (32-34) and so on.  That’s way too much room for error.  Dialed in accuracy would be greatly appreciated.

 

Tucking pants into boots

But Capris would be ridiculous.

This is getting awfully close to wearing a watch on the outside of a shirt cuff.  Women can get away with tucking their pants into their boots because their pants are much tighter and their boots are much taller (and they look better than us.)  Now, if you’re wearing ex-girlfriend jeans and knee highs, well then hell… go for it at that point.

 

Enormous Logos

And what's with the 3?

Some guys have a completely understandable zero tolerance policy when it comes to wearing logos.  They just can’t do it.  But for the brands that just can’t help themselves, take a look at how car makers do it.  There’s a reason why the hood ornament isn’t the size of a hub cap.

 

The explosion of man jewelery

Taking a pulse would require 10 minutes of prep work.

Unless your last name is “Depp,” stacking bracelets on top of bracelets can come off as inauthentic.  Like you want a tattoo, but that’s too permanent.  And if 67-year-old Tony LaRussa has more necklaces draped around his neck than pitchers he has in his bullpen, then the jewelery = rebel equation might not longer be valid.

Additions to this list should go in the comments below.  And as always, almost anything can be pulled off if the right person is wearing it, so no offense should be taken if a trend hit too close to home.  Except for the drop crotch pants.