Red Beards and Bad Assery, Kermit gets found, & Adulting

NEAR DARK:

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Near Dark was a terrific cult movie which featured Bill Paxton in one of his best roles. The guy was so under appreciated. I’m about to go on a Paxton binge. I’m guessing he’s been in more movies than you realize. He was also a video director and he was featured in some popular videos.

PERSPECTIVE. Not gonna lie: I would have emptied every orifice before I even got on the board. Because, balls of steel.

LIFEHACK OF THE WEEK: Because first world problems still seem like the end of the world and every damn one of you know what I mean.

SIGN OF THE TIMES? I am going to refrain from throwing any shade whatsoever at this. Once upon a time we called this “Home Ec” and “Shop” and, occasionally, parents and such.

TROLLING FOR DOLLARS: As much as I’m trying to be positive, this might be too appealing to ignore. Perhaps it counts as therapy.

PRETTY IN PINK: Marilyn Monroe in Niagara (1953)

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TRAVELLING LIGHT: I will never ever worry about whether I bring too much crap with me on vacation. This. Is. Astounding. Come for the mobile elevators, stay for the posse of more than 1000 people.

WHAT. THE. HAMBURGERS. This. I think I’ve seen this before.

MORE OF THIS PLEASE: In my continued pursuit of more things positive, I present:

• NEWS YOU NEVER HEAR ABOUT: We can be heroes…
• NEWS YOU NEVER HEAR ABOUT: Same song, different verse.
• …AH YOU GET THE POINT: There are no words.
• BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE: Neighbor of the year.

AND YET…it has nothing to do with a face. Our favorite fat had such an impressive backstory. Also, where’s my toast?

A POTPOURRI OF WTF? The meta-level brain freeze of irony and, um, identity theft. A surprising eulogy for marketing-department-generated fast food. And finally, Tony Stark would have been proud, you know, before he wouldn’t have.

RED BEARDED BADASS:

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Also known as lammergeier, these vultures…did I mention how badass the are? Because totally. They grow up to four feet tall with a wingspan of seven to nine feet. And they work for their expert level badassery by preening for hours to get that look. Badass.

NATURE WEEK ON THE DOSSIER CONTINUES WITH…more of what our animal friends can offer us. Take, for instance, your average moggie. And while I’m at it, uh, better not tell Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, First of Her Name, the Unburnt, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, and Mother of Dragons about this. And finally, one more reason to save these guys.

SPECULATIVE FICTION? Three takes on different economic possibilities for the shared economy’s top dog (and while we’re on the subject…this), consumables, and where we live.

OUR HONORARY HOMER SIMPSONS OF THE WEEK: Grab a Duff and a donut and check out…

• BANG BANG! Well that was quick.
• MERDE! This is…well this is just all kinds of embarrassing. And painful.
• AND LEST WE FORGET…this is not going to help this dude’s situation. At all. And to wrap up the story, this, AKA, consequences. That’s going to be some work environment.

COLORECTAL CANCER AWARENESS MONTH… and this is fairly alarming and totally terrible. I’m going to ask all of you to take this shit seriously. Please. And thank you.

OH HI!

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And in the off chance that you are one of the last to see the latest trailer, here you go.

YOU DESERVE A STROKE TODAY: This is why we’re fat.

THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS. A saga in too many parts.

• SMH: That’s quite the expensive selfie.
• WORST INVASIVE SPECIES EVER? That would be us humans.
• DAFT PUNKS: Own goal?

ON THE OTHER HAND…Go West young man!

ONCE UPON A TIME: I’m just going to leave this right here.

NOW THAT IT’S LENT…you can learn the real story of those Mardi Gras beads.

UNDERSEA UFO:

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SUMMER’S COMING SOON! Sweet. Swim time! Oops, uh, not so fast. And yes, this is an even bigger surprise than it should be considering none of us were really surprised at first. But then. The numbers. The horror. And because I’m trying to rob you off all your happiness, can we talk about micwhatsits?

ALL CREATURES GREAT & SMALL: A cornucopia of bald-faced adorable and down right incredible with which to combat the craptacular forces in our lives:

• SQUAD GOALS: Memes in the making.
• PEOPLE LET ME TELL YOU ‘BOUT MY BEST FRIEND…squee! Even more squee!
• I ADMIT IT: I am fascinated as $#%& by these amazing beasties.
• BEST. BUZZ. EVER: For when you’re not around your favorite puss.
• WHAT, NO PEPE? Hi-Ho, Kermit thee Frog here. For reals.

SPEAKING OF CRAPTACULAR…the folks at Oxford Dictionaries have hopped on board formally acknowledging a bunch of words you’re probably done with at this point. Like, for instance, craptacular. And, uh, squad goals. So yeah.

INCOMING:

Tim Johnstone is Dappered’s music correspondent as well as our resident gatherer of all things interwebs related. He doesn’t really hate people. Mostly.