If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it.   Beth is our source for the answers.  From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday.  And don’t worry, your identity will be protected too.  Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com

Hey Beth:

My little sister is graduating from college, and she’s not the best when it comes to giving ideas of what she is looking for.  I was hoping you might have some ideas that fit right into the dappered budget (or even a little bit above)?

- Mike
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Hi Mike,

‘Tis May, ’tis time for pomp and circumstance.  Yeah, this question doesn’t fall under the category of style for dudes but considering how many of you probably have relatives and/or significant others graduating from school this month (or future months), I thought it might be timely and helpful anyway.  A return to manly style next week.
.

Option 1:  Career Clothes (in gift card form…)

Ann Taylor & Loft: Perfect for work, and after work.

So you didn’t say what your sister is doing now that she’s left the cozy bubble of college.  If she has a job lined up in a professional setting, try a gift card to a women’s store that sells career clothing.  Best option is Ann Taylor Loft, which is the little sister of Ann Taylor, home of the affordable pressed pant and tasteful jewelry.  Loft tends toward more casual clothing, but they do still have work appropriate attire, and it’s geared toward the younger set.  True, a gift card is not the most personalized present, but it would be very helpful for a young woman whose wardrobe consists mainly of hoodies and yoga pants.

Option 2:  Jewelry.  Yes really.

Hard to go wrong with an updated classic.

If your sis doesn’t have a professional job lined up, a gift card to such a store might not be of use (unless she’s going on lots of interviews).  So if she’s keeping her job pouring drinks at the local watering hole, or if she’s hanging out on your parents’ couch for the foreseeable future, get her something else.  What about a piece of jewelry?  Oh man, I can hear the groans out there.  Yes, could be dicey coming from the big brother–I assume you’re not an expert on her style.  But if you do it right, it could be a really lovely gift.  Ask one of her friends, or your mom, to help you pick it out.  For instance, if she attended college in NYC, this necklace is a great choice.  If you want to spend a bit more money, and your sister has classic taste, these earrings are a modern trend on the classic pearl drop earrings.

Option 3: College Memorabilia, that’s more than just a sweatshirt…

Earning it was expensive enough. You pick up the framing tab?

If you’re too afraid to risk a jewelry buy, and your sister is the school spirit type, memorabilia from her college is a good bet.  For instance, I went to a Big Ten school for undergrad, and one of the gifts I got was a large, matted, framed, professionally-taken photo of one of my favorite spots on campus.  It shows school pride, and since I no longer live in the town where I went to college, it’s a great reminder of the good times I had there…that night of too many tequila shots notwithstanding.

Option 4: Upgrading something she already has

If she has good, get her great.

Other options?  Update something she has already: a better cell phone, a new iPod, an iPod dock to replace a stereo, a better camera.  Buy her a designer wallet and stick a couple twenties in it.  I’m going to open it up to the men–what’d you buy your sisters, wives, and girlfriends when they graduated from college?

-Beth

Got a question for Beth? Send them to: askawoman@dappered.com

If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it.  Beth is our source for the answers.  From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday.  And don’t worry, your identity will be protected too.  Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com

Hey Beth:

I live in the D.C. Metro area and because of the horrendous traffic I bike to work.  I get teased by my female coworkers about my “cool” bike helmet.  There probably isn’t such a thing as a sexy bike helmet, but could you help me find one that will at least avoid the laughter?

- Ed
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Hi Ed,

I don’t ride my bike much (especially since my other half ran it over with the car–thanks a lot, dear), but when I do–did–I always wore a helmet.  And it looks dumb.  Like teenagers mocking me from their passing cars dumb.  Still, I don’t want to be a vegetable for the rest of my life when said teenagers aren’t paying attention and crash their car into my unprotected head.  So I feel your pain, Ed.  Safety first, but oh what a sartorial sacrifice it is.

Our fearless Dappered leader turned me on to the site nutcase.  They make helmets for a variety of sports–biking, rafting, snowboarding–in as unoffensive a style as I’ve seen. That means smooth lines without any weird aerodynamic sculpting (which, yes, I’m sure makes you less wind-resistant, but Ed needs to get to work, not win the Tour de France).  Here we have the page for their solid colored biking helmets.  I like the more demure colors like Chocolate Milk and Shark Skin, but if you’re feeling Liberace-ish, they also have shades like Gold Sparkle.  They also have patterned helmets; those are bit more risky if you’re trying to wear your helmet in an unobtrusive manner.  But I do like the unfortunately named Beaver Fall and Stumptown Woody.

Bell, bern, and Amsterdam Bike’s hat-style.  Know that the bern comes in plenty of (more subtle) colors.

Another brand/style I found is the Bell Faction helmet. I like it less than the nutcase–it’s less streamlined–but still a good option, especially in the colors, white, grey, and black.  The Giro flak is in the same style as the Bell Faction and the nutcase.  Bern helmets are kind of cool-looking too, and they feature a small brim which I sort of like.  My favorite is the Bern Watts which is not as bulky as their other styles, and comes in some fun–though still relatively reserved–color combinations, like black and grey or green and black.

"My other ride is a skycycle." Bit extreme. Beth suggests more subtle.

I could not believe when I found the site for Amsterdam Bikes.  They make helmets that look like hats!  Literally, the only give away is the strap that connects under your chin.  The site is dreadfully lacking in information, but it looks like you buy the helmet, which comes with a hat cover, but the covers are removable, so if you get bored with the hat cover, you can purchase a new one.  They are very expensive for the helmet (this one is $139), and also for just the hat cover ($59), but if you really feel self-conscious about wearing a helmet, it might be a good investment for you.

Still, after all this…your female coworkers may find something else to tease you about, even if they approve of your new head wear.  Take it as a compliment.  Women typically don’t tease losers–only men they’re fond of.  Ah women…speaking of women [transparent transition], did y’all hear about a new little site that launched on Monday [shameless self-promotion]?
The female version of Dappered.  It’s called full clutch, and as the tagline says, it aims to promote smart, sophisticated style for the ladies.  We’ve got sale picks, reports on trends, makeup how-to’s and a lot of other fun stuff for the women in your life.  Go check it out and then spread the word [pathetic begging]!

-Beth

Got a question for Beth? Send them to: askawoman@dappered.com

Nope, it’s not a website about automotive parts.  A few have asked if there was a website out there that was like Dappered, only for women.  There didn’t seem to be, so, we went ahead and made one.

Like Dappered, full clutch will keep their focus on affordable, accessible style.  Notice on the best sales, product testing, and even guilty pleasures.  Headed up in part by Beth, they’ve had their feminine noses to the grindstone, working their tails off to give their new readers the full experience.  Along with the site, you can find them on:

• Facebook
• Twitter
• and even Pinterest (I hear this Pinterest thing is big…)

If you were one of those who asked about a Dappered-for-women website on behalf of your wife, girlfriend, sister, co-worker, etc… we’d love it if you passed along the news about Dappered’s new better half, full clutch.

And as always, we thank you for your support.

If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. And don’t worry, your identity will be protected too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com

Beth:

I am twenty-one, single, and in no hurry to get hitched.  However, I was hoping you could provide some guidance as to what you think men should look for in a woman.  I care about the way I present myself and what kind of man I am becoming.  I hope that I can find someone who too wants to conduct herself with class and character.  What are the most important things in a woman that as men we should desire, and not over-look just because she is hot?  (Sorry if that seemed blunt)

- Thomas
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Hi Thomas

I love your email.  I love it because it’s honest and vulnerable, and yes, a little clueless.  Don’t take that as an insult.  Being 21 is magical in a way that 31 (hello recent birthday!) is not.  Long time readers will appreciate this–I have to reference Sex and the City.  In the first movie, Carrie is at a bar with her new assistant and they’re drinking.  Carrie says something along the lines of your twenties being the time that you enjoy yourself, your thirties being the time that you learn your lessons, and your forties being the time that you pay for the drinks.  It’s not a bad model to follow.  For me, my twenties were a time when I both enjoyed myself AND learned lessons (funny how the two seem to go hand in hand, yes?).  I dated people who were terrible for me; I blew off commitments that should have been important to me.  These were failures, right?  Yes, but failures that were necessary and helpful and ultimately…good.  Failure is the ONLY way that we become better.  I have always been a perfectionist, so this is not a perspective I feel comfortable with, but it is definitely true to life.

All of this is to say…at 21, you don’t need to have it figured out.  You can date whoever you want, and if some of those people you’re with only because they’re hot, well, why not?  Better to get this out of your system now than in twenty years when there is a lot more at stake.  I absolutely agree that you should be in no hurry to get hitched.  It is true, some people find true and lasting love early on.  But I think that is the exception rather than the rule.  Think about what you want to accomplish in your life.  Think about what is important to you.  Do that now, and do that next year, and the year after that, and the year after that. What you value may change from year to year, and at this point in your life, that is fine. It is to be expected.  You are not required to believe and value what your parents believe and value.  You are not required to take the paths that your friends have taken.  Apply all of this to your dating life: if you date a woman who is smart and beautiful, but rude to everyone around her, maybe you’ll take that to heart and realize that manners are something you’re looking for in the next woman.

"As you age, your priorities will naturally shift and change." (There are exceptions.)

I’m sure the readers will have a lot to say about how to spot a woman with “class and character,” but since both of those terms are pretty abstract concepts, I’m not going to try and tackle them.  Your definition of a woman with class and character might be totally different than someone else’s.  I know you only from an email and that is not nearly enough information to know what will make you happy.  It’s more helpful for me to assure you that if you continue to think about what is important to you, and you are honest with yourself, I don’t think you’ll be swept away into a doomed marriage with a leggy, toned, busty blonde who has terrible morals and a brain the size of a dumpling.

Of course looks are hard to overlook now–you’re 21!  As you age, your priorities will naturally shift and change.  Have a little faith in yourself–with time and self-reflection, you will pick a woman who has the qualities that make her a good match for you…regardless of her bra size or waist measurements.

-Beth

Got a question for Beth? Send them to: askawoman@dappered.com
Hef Photo Credit: Josh Jensen

As a man, if you wear jean shorts you’ll be labeled by many as a style buffoon.  A slob.  Out of touch.  They had their heyday, but wearing a pair of shorts made of thicker denim, a fabric originally intended as workwear, on a hot day seems uncomfortable.  The next step on the scale of garment oddity coupling  would be shorts made from a tweedy flannel.  Strange.

But if a woman slides her gams into a pair of denim shorts?  It’s no longer quite so clear.

Worked then.  Still works now.  Maybe it ain’t the paint, but the canvas.

The (most) correct answer would be a light beach/sundress… but are denim shorts as big of a miss on a woman as they are on a man?  Is it a look you wouldn’t mind seeing more of?  To the comments fellas…

If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. And don’t worry, your identity will be protected too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com

Hi Beth

I’d love to know your opinions on cowboy boots.  I’ve been considering getting some for years, but can never bring myself to drop the money on a pair due to my conflicted feelings regarding them.  On the one hand, I think cowboy boots are an American icon, right up there with baseball and apple pie and the like.  Men like Clint Eastwood, James Dean, even Slash, showcase how cool they can be.  However, it seems for every badass cowboy boot-wearer out there, there’s ten others that manage to make them look lame, unstylish, or downright silly.

What’s your stance regarding cowboy boots?  Is it possible to wear them in a cool and attractive way without looking like you’re playing dress-up, or heading to a Billy Ray Cyrus concert?

- Andrew
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Howdy Andrew,

I like cowboy boots.  When worn well, they can be part of a trim, even sleek look.  The operative part of that sentence is “when worn well.”  Andrew, I’m sorry to break it to you…but Slash does NOT wear his cowboy boots well.  He pairs them with skinny jeans (or skinny leather pants) and tucks the pants into the boot.  I realize that the top of most cowboy boots has exquisite leather tooling and stitching…but on men, I don’t like the look of a skinny pant tucked into a boot.  The silhouette is too feminine.  If you think Slash looks cool that way…well, it’s Slash.  He also wears a top hat and leather vests without shirts underneath and his hair is in need of some serious conditioner, but he gets away with all of it because he’s a rock star.  I suspect, Andrew, that you are not a rock star…mmm?

Ted’s Boots from How I Met Your Mother:  1. Don’t tuck in the jeans.  2. Even Slash wouldn’t be able to pull off lipstick red cowboy boots.  But the confidence is commendable. 

So, how does one wear the cowboy boot without making an ass of one’s self?  A question for the ages.  Cowboy boots look best when worn with a slim bootcut pant that is neither too long nor too short.  And now, a few good and not so good cowboy boot looks:

• See how Hugh Jackman’s jeans have the bootcut at the bottom, and the hem just rests on the top of the boot with scarcely a break, but the top of the pant is still fairly close fitting?  See that nice silhouette of solid thigh and straight leg?  That’s golden.  That’s what you want.
• James Dean’s look is harder to analyze since he’s sitting down with his feet up, but it looks like his jeans have a nice bootcut, and the smallest hint of a break.
• Tim McGraw looks pretty good (love the tight fit around the thighs), but I would have liked to see him in shorter jeans–they’re bunching up at the bottom from the excess length, and the bootcut looks too narrow as well.
• Matthew McConaughey is less successful at this look (although the camera angle makes it hard to tell), because his jeans are so baggy.  He’d look much sleeker and more modern with a slimmer fit jean over those boots.
• And then…there’s Benicio Del Toro who–let’s face it–is always a hot mess.  Dude is wearing some nicely textured boots with a pair of baggy, saggy sweatpants.  Um.  Okay.  Hey, at least it’s the fancy sweatpants with the stripes going up the sides.  It’s like the tuxedo of sweatpants.

Lucchese Mad Dog Goat. You'll pay a lot, but you'll also get a lot.

As for what occasion to where cowboy boots?  Casually with jeans, or more formally with black, brown, or gray slacks.  Please for the love of all that is holy, do not think that you have to go to a Billy Ray Cyrus concert in order to wear your cowboy boots.  Style should be fun, not caterwauling painful.  And, since we’re talking footwear, I’ll make a couple picks.  For those who cringe at spending more than $100 on footwear, if you want to wear decent, real-deal cowboy boots you need to get over it.  Cowboy boots–when done right–are going to be very expensive.  They’re made to last through extreme temperatures, through mud and horse manure, through years of kicking up dust on the prairie.  So you get what you pay for.

This pair of chocolate-toned boats has an awesome name–Mad Dog Goat–and interesting texture on the top of the foot, plus beautiful detailing on the shaft of the boot.  This pair is cheaper by almost $100 and is a good option if you want something a bit showier–the detailing from the shaft goes all the way down to the toe.  Cheaper still, this pair of tan boots with a black heel is simple and constructed for comfort.  And the most economical of the bunch, this pair of short, all black boots with a rounded toe might be the way to start off if you’re not sure whether cowboy boots are for you.  Actually, I take back what I said about needing to spend a lot of money on boots.  If you’re short the dough, try a good thrift store.  You can probably rustle up some decent boots–especially if you live in the southwest part of the country–relatively cheaply.  Double plus bonus?  My Texas cowboy father says they’ll look more authentic if they’re worn in a bit, like you’ve been out on the plains lassoing, um…whatever it is that cowboys lasso.

Andrew, if you’re still nervous about wearing cowboy boots out, it may help to practice wearing them in private…like this guy.

-Beth

Got a question for Beth? Send them to: askawoman@dappered.com

If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it.  Beth is our source for the answers.  From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday.  And don’t worry, your identity will be protected too.  Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com

Hi Beth,

I’m gonna keep this very simple.  If a guy notices an attractive woman at a bar/lounge and he would like to approach her, how would you recommend he go about this?  In other words, if you were with your friends (and I’m assuming wanting to be noticed), how would you want a guy to approach YOU?

I have no shortage of stories about lame/childish/feeble/just-for-kicks attempts that by no means ruin my night, but if I were to make things a little more interesting for me and my friends next time around, I’d definitely like a few pointers that I “know for sure I’m doing correctly”.

- Jeremy
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Hi Jeremy,

Thanks for writing in.  Well actually, no.  Thanks for nothing, You’ve asked me the question that has NO CORRECT ANSWER . I haven’t been doing this advice column gig for long–it will be two years in October.  But something I learned quickly, via friends’ input, reader comments, and my own experience, is that all people everywhere have different opinions about the best way to pick up someone else.  It’s incredible!  A planet full of pick up experts and still there are people out there not getting laid!  What are the odds!

Here are your options:

1) You could just approach the woman.  Walk up, introduce yourself, find out her name, tell her a bit about yourself, etc.  This gives you a lot of control–you’re putting yourself next to her and initiating conversation.  One drawback is that she could reject you right to your face.  I’m sure you’d survive the brutality, but, you know, it’s something to consider.  Also, some women have a very strong aversion to forward men, so if she’s one of those women, she might reject simply because you approached her.  Which is lame, but it could happen.

Probably best to just move on to a woman who doesn’t have issues.

2) You could send her a drink via the bartender.  That leaves the matter in her hands.  If she wants to talk to you, she’ll come over.  If she is painfully shy, though, you do run the risk of her bailing even if she might be interested, because she’s just too reserved to approach you even after you’ve bought her a drink.  Bonus: you won’t be rejected to your face. Drawback: this move might be seen by some women as archaic and cheesy.  It does have a certain…Wall Street (the first one) feeling to it.  Also, sending drinks to every attractive woman you see could be an expensive dating habit.

3) Hand her your number on the way out.  This third option is the lowest pressure, lowest risk, and lowest reward.  I hesitated to even mention it…but I do know two people who met this way and are now married, so I had to put it out there.  You could hand her your number on your way out of the bar, or tuck it in the pocket of her coat that’s hanging on the chair, or place it on the bar next to her drink.  I’ve seen it work.  Myself?  I would never call a guy who snuck his number into my personal effects or handed it to me without so much as a hello.  It seems very…lazy, maybe?  Avoidant?  Come on, you can’t even talk to me first?

In addition to these options, there are variations, like chatting up her friend first and then using that “in” to meet her, and so on.  But know that what works for you one night with one woman may not work the next night with a different woman.  Like many highly-developed species, we vary from specimen to specimen so there is no one-size-fits-all.  Since you asked how I would want to be picked up, I choose option number 1 every time.  It’s honest, it’s direct, it’s adult.  In an ideal world, it also gives the woman the opportunity to be open to your advances…or to shut you down in a gracious way.  “It was nice meeting you but tonight I’m hanging out with my girls.”  I mean, you have to depend on the kindness of strangers, and you may not always get that, but that’s a risk you have to take.

Speaking of A Streetcar Named Desire…no one does STELLAAAA better than Elaine.

-Beth

Got a question for Beth? Send them to: askawoman@dappered.com

1.  WIN IT :  Made in the USA Pocket Square by “Get Squared” – $5.00

Five bucks and ships free.

2.  Hawkings McGill Desert Boot – $68.00

Ships free too.

Another decent looking offering from the Urban Outfitters house brand.  4/5 stars after 16 reviews, but read the first one that pops up on the site.  It’s extremely extensive.  There’s a suede option available, and the reviewer goes into detail on that one.  Quality might be hit and miss with any shoe under $70, but for the record, these Hawkings McGill wingtip boots are holding up incredibly well, and they saw a lot of work this winter.

3.  Target Merona Striped Rugby – $24.99

Not bad for two dozen dollars. Size shown: Medium.

This just replaced Ralph Lauren’s Custom fit as the personal favorite for a casual rugby.  The price is unbeatable.  And while the RL’s feel much more substantial through the shoulders, they also cost 3x as much.  The fit is surprisingly true.  100% cotton, midweight fabric, and the thin stripe blue version shown is nails.  Placket even has the extra re-inforced layer of beefier fabric.  Collar is going to be a little big for some, but it’s a casual shirt you can beat the snot out of on the weekends.

4.  Jack Spade Monza Drop Key Fob – $15.00 ($35)

Ships free too.

Sure there are plenty of free key-chains to be had floating around out there.  But say you just upgraded to a car you’ve wanted for awhile.  Or you got a promotion and moved into a new office.  A splurge on a good looking keychain will remind you every time you unlock the door to… whatever it is you’re happy to have… that you’re one lucky guy.  Perforated leather.  Like the rest of the Monza series, made to look like the steering wheels of classic sports cars.

5.  Timex Weekender Sport – $34.99 w/ Slip-Thru Strap – $4 – $6

The best of both.

Hat tip to reader Taylor M. for this combo.  Some of us prefer the matte, brushed case of the Timex Weekender “sport” that comes with the nubuck strap.  But at the same time, it’s hard not to like the variety of slip-thru straps of the Timex Weekender Slip-Thru.  Enter Taylor… take the nubuck strap off the Weekender Sport, and use an olive slip-thru strap to give it that perfect weekend utility look.

6.  MikWright Birthday Greeting Card – $3.50

A far underused phrase.

What better way to say: “You had absolutely nothing to do with your own birth, but I’m awfully glad that your parents jumped in the sack and made you once upon a time.  Points to your ma for cranking you out.”

7. Silver Leaf Disc & Pearl Necklace – $79.00

Starting the new season off right.

Sold through Gilt.  Over the $75 limit, but perhaps a few of you have some credits sitting around.  Flowers for no reason are good, but something a bit more like this is better.  It’s spring, this looks, uh… springy.  A perfect not-big-but-not-tiny either.  Made in the USA is a nice bonus.

8. GT’s Enlightened Organic Raw Kombucha – $2.50 – $4.00

16oz of impressive.

Forget all the granola-tree-hugging benefit proclamations like how this stuff is all-natural and full of probiotics, enzymes, vitamins.  Who knows if there’s any real good effects to be had from that.  What’s absolutely worth giving this stuff a try is the fact that it’s only 70 calories per 160z bottle, packs a ton of flavor (and there’s many to choose from) and honest-to-goodness it seems to curb appetite.  Lightly fermented, has a trace amount of alochol, and actually got yanked from shelves a year or so ago until they could figure out if it should be classified and regulated like an alcoholic beverage.  It wasn’t, and it isn’t.  And it’s delicious.  Pricey for a bottle, but awesome all the same.

9.  R44 Rogan Made in the USA Jeans – $79.90 | Calibrate Trim Fit V – $33.90

Both ship & return free via Nordstrom.

The jeans are a bit of a splurge.  Over $75, yes, but they ship free.  The term “ultra low rise” for the fit is concerning, but the model doesn’t look like he’s got the things on uncomfortably low.  We’ll see how the whiskering looks in person, hopefully it’s not real noticeable.  Made in the USA from organic cotton.  The Calibrate sweater is a trim fit with some spandex in the cotton blend for stretch.  Both are on the way for in-person reviews, and each seems to have recently hit the sale section, or been further reduced.  Jeans are 50% off, sweater is 33% now 50% off.

10. Saddleback Leather Utility Strap Collection – $39.75

Sexy. Wait. What?

You’ll never use another bungee cord again.  Ever.  And that’s a really good thing.

For other best bets under $75 from previous months, click here.

You’ve got a date coming up.  Terrific.  You’ve got a good prep routine down so you won’t be rushed.  Maybe you’re heading out to dinner.  Or perhaps you’re doing something out of the ordinary that’s cheap but still fun.  You’ve got an idea as to what you’ll be wearing and it’s sure to leave her impressed and you’re feeling pretty good too.

But you won’t be getting ready in total silence.   You’ll need some music.  And not the kind of music that’ll put you to sleep, or alternatively, make you want to run through a brick wall.  You want a playlist that’ll get you ready for your date, as well as be plenty fine for when your date gets in the car.  Maybe something like this:
.

………………………………….

Your turn guys.  Song suggestions for a pre-date playlist are certainly welcome down in the comments section below.

Originally Published 12/1/11

If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. And don’t worry, your identity will be protected too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com

Hey Beth,

I told my friend (who is a girl) that I have feelings for her, and she shot me down.  We have moved past it though and have remained good friends.  Is there a chance that one day she will grow to have feelings for me?

I have tried to move on, but haven’t had much luck.  Is it because I’m still friends with her?  If that’s the case, should I try to distance myself from her?

- Ben
.

Hi Ben,

A month ago we had a guy shooting down a friend who was a girl.  Now we have the reverse.  Seems only fair, though I’m truly sorry to hear you’re going through it, Ben.  I’ve been there, and it’s no fun.  I do want to applaud you for being honest with your friend about your feelings.  I know there are people out there who would advise you to not risk a friendship and keep it to yourself, but the truth is, these things have a way of bubbling to the surface no matter what.  If you hadn’t spoken to her about it, it might have been a drunk dial in the middle of the night.  Or maybe you would have picked a fight with her when she started seeing a new guy.  Plus, I’ve always thought it better to risk getting hurt (and being embarrassed), than playing it cool and having regrets later.

Is it possible that she could develop feelings for you over time?  Yes, I suppose that could happen.  But you should make choices based on the assumption that she won’t change her mind.  Otherwise, you’ll be carrying around a large burden. Trying to wait for someone to like you is stressful and exhausting.  Maybe if I wear this sweater, she’ll see me in a new light.  Maybe if I lose ten pounds she’ll go home with me.  Maybe if make her laugh, it will be enough.  I think there’s this perception in the contemporary dating experience that romance is no longer about simple attraction, it’s about manipulation.  Like you have to trick someone into wanting to date you.

It happens.  A lot.

A few months ago I was chatting with my esthetician, and she was gushing over a new guy she’d met: “…and he called the day after we went out!  Can you believe it?  He didn’t wait THE three days!”  I remember thinking, seriously, she’s this excited simply because the man called the next day to say he had a nice time?  That used to be just common courtesy, now we’re rewarding this behavior with a parade.  So what I’m saying, Ben, is that it’s not your responsibility to change her mind about you.  She knows who you are and what you have to offer.  I think you’d be doing yourself a disservice by holding out for her.

As much as I know it probably hurts to consider distancing yourself from her, you really have to.  I’d say this to someone trying to get over being dumped, too.  It’s essentially the same situation.  You want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.  Spending time with said person is a constant reminder of why you are interested in this person, and the fact that they are not interested in you.

The cure?  Get busy.  Heyoooo, zing!  Good gravy, I love a double entendre, my friends.  Make plans with friends, throw extra hours at a work project to impress the boss, stack up books by your bedside table, play pick-up basketball on Sunday afternoons, etc.  And, start chasing skirts.  It will be a good reminder that you have qualities that are desired by other women, and that you have the ability to enjoy the company of other women.

-Beth

Got a question for Beth? Send them to: askawoman@dappered.com