5 Topics She Doesn’t Want to Hear About

When men should really just shut up.
You're hovering a bit there bucko.Ask A Woman: Ain’t nobody got time for dat!

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Okay, before I launch into all the things you men should shut the eff up about, I want to fully validate the topics that YOU are thinking women should shut the eff up about:

  • the cheesecake we shouldn’t have eaten but did
  • why Katie is such a bad friend/big slut/not helping us at all plan Amanda’s bachelorette party
  • whether you are mad at us…’cause it seems like you might be…even though you insist you’re not…but maybe you are? are you?
  • any information reported by People Magazine
  • the Taco Bell we shouldn’t have eaten but did
  • the funny thing our cat did….EVERY SINGLE DAY

There. That’s not what this post is about, but I do want to acknowledge–women are annoying as hell, too. Got it? Super. On to men.

Stop talking, Carrie. No one cares.

Your bracket

Indiana lost. You can’t believe it. You thought it was a sure thing. Cody Zeller really screwed you. You personally. We get it, we’re sympathetic…to an extent. You get, mmm, two mentions and a total of ten minutes to complain about your bracket (or fantasy football team), and then we’re zoning out. If you have a girlfriend who is similarly obsessed with earning that elusive $15 from the bracket she filled out for her office pool, I suggest putting a ring on it. Because that type of woman is hard to find.

Your exes

You dated a girl who went on to do porn.  You dated a girl who was homecoming queen. You dated a girl your mother wanted you to marry. This information = not welcome. You’ll notice I make this plural–“your EXES” and that’s because of course the person you previously dated is going to be relevant to the relationship you’re currently in (or trying to be in). It’s your most recent point of reference. If you have emotional baggage, it’s likely coming from that break-up. If you’re having trouble trusting because she cheated on you, that’s fair. If you don’t want to move in right away because you did that with your ex and it was a disaster, that’s fair. Every other woman you saw naked, not necessary to bring up.

Your intramural basketball team

You might have a chance to make it to the play-offs if Scotty would just stop pretending he’s good at basketball just because he’s tall. He needs to stop hogging the ball because he can’t shoot for shit. This might be the worst one for me personally. I cannot get excited about the rag-tag team you play on for ten weeks. The team that’s comprised partly of dudes who never got to play basketball in high school or college and now that there aren’t try-outs they’re living their dream, and partly of dudes who did play in high school or college and are now reliving their glory days. If you don’t stop giving me a play-by-play, I’m going to get up and reenact for you every episode of Sex and the City, season 3. Without the sex. Just the dialogue.

 Perfect. Play and discuss amongst yourselves and leave the ladies out of it.

Your video game prowess

This one is similar to the previous. Wanna know why? Because both are kind of…fake. I know, that sounds harsh, but it’s hard to get excited when there aren’t any stakes. If you win a video game…then you win a video game. What level you got to, what points you earned, what the princess said to you when you rescued her (I don’t even know if they make video games with princesses anymore, this is how little I care), what does it all mean, man? Nothing! We understand that video games are great stress relievers, mindless ways to spend a Friday evening when you’ve had the work week from hell. Let’s leave it at that–no sharing of details required.

Why we’re acting so irrational

I saved the best for last, no? If you like fighting and drama in your relationships with women (dating or friendship), the quickest way there, I mean the most direct route to total warfare is to tell us we’re acting irrational/unreasonable/dramatic/overly emotional/insert-any-other-stereotypically-female-trait  and then give us your theory as to why. Oh. My. God. Do not do it. Do not. Is there any scenario in which these conversations end well–“You’re being really irrational…did you cheat on that diet again or something?” “I can’t talk to you when you’re so emotional…are you about to get your period?” Here’s why it pisses us off. Inevitably, your reasoning for why we’re acting the way we’re acting is insulting. No one ever says, “You’re being unreasonable…did you get passed up for a promotion at work?” No, there’s always an assumption that our presumed bad behavior is because our favorite ice cream is out of stock at the grocery store, or we broke a nail. Seriously, don’t go there. We don’t want to hear about it.

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